A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.
"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession. "
"No," said the engineer, "before life began there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older. "
"But," chirped the triumphant politician,"who created the chaos? "

John Cena goes to see his doctor about his invisibility problem.
After buzzing three times, the doctor eventually comes into the waiting room and addresses the receptionist curtly, "Where's Mr Cena- what appointment did we give him?"
John speaks up, "You can't see me, my time is now..."

I think I've lost interest in my career as a mime artist.
I feel like I'm just going through the motions.

Saw two blokes having an argument down the pub last night.
One said, "What's your problem?"
The other replied, "Nothing mate. What's your problem?"
Nosey mathematicians. What are they like?

My girlfriend loves her job as a fruit machine designer.
But she really wants a baby, so she's putting her career on hold for a while.

A man went to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," he pleaded. "Every time I date a girl, I end up in bed with her. And afterward, I dump her and then feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"No!" he exclaimed. "I just want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

I found out my secretary was late.
Looks like I'll be needing a coat hanger.

' I'm feeling very suicidal,what should I do? ' the man said to his Psychiatrist.
' Pay your bill before you leave, ' replied the Psychiatrist.

I see you've tried to commit suicide 5 times,
Your dad was right... you are useless

BBC NEWS: "It took police marksmen 4 bullets to kill the dog, flowers have been left outside the house"
Aren't they forgetting the woman that dog killed?

I was stripping down some copper, when suddenly, she awoke.

The best advice I was ever given to me was by my mum: avoid people who give you drugs.
I haven't seen a doctor in years!

There is no point complaing about police brutality...
We give em a whistle and a yellow flash jacket
And we're suprised when they go out clubbing !

I loved dinosaurs as a child, and dreamed of being a paleontologist.
Then the government cut student grants, and I had to become a rent boy.
I still get bones from dirty old fossils, though.

Mr. Brown is at the doctor's: "Doctor, I can't sleep at night because I keep having to think about the crocodile under my bed."
"I'll prescribe some medication," says the doctor. "You should be feeling better within a week."
A week later, Mr. Brown is at the doctor's again: "I can't sleep, doctor. I'm still worried about that crocodile under my bed."
"I'll prescribe some other medication," says the doctor, "but it's very important that you stop thinking about the crocodile before you go to sleep, then you'll be cured."
A week later, the doctor is making a housecall near Mr. Brown's house, so he decides to drop in and check up on his patient. As the doctor rings the bell, the next-door neighbour pops his head out.
"Are you looking for Mr. Brown?" says the neighbour. "I'm afraid he died yesterday."
"My goodness," says the doctor. "What did he die of?"
"He was eaten by a crocodile."

The newspapers this week have given extensive coverage to the fact that a black man has set a record for running 150 metres down a street in Manchester.
However, they failed to mention the fact that he did it with a video under one arm and 5 police dogs chasing after him.

I went to the doctors because my hair keeps falling out, I asked him:
"What do I do? Do you have anything to keep it in?"
He handed me a cardboard box.

So Britain's most senior black Police officer, Ali Dizaei, has been found guilty of corruption after stabbing himself twice in an attempt to frame someone he'd had a row with.
He's just a rascal, Dizaei rascal...

I don't know why people always want black people to leave the country.
Think about it, how many policemen would be left without jobs?

BBC News: "Police engage in manhunt after hearing about killing spree."
They shouldn't really be playing games at a time like this.

Two policemen, Tom and Harry, are chasing an armed robber down the street. The robber jumps into a car and sets off. Tom pulls out his gun and fires off a few rounds, but the criminal gets away.
Harry says, "Did you get the registration plate?"
Tom replies, "Yeah, but I was aiming for his head."

American Gang mentality: Shoot first, ask questions later....
American Cop mentality: Shoot first, and if anyone asks any questions shoot them as well.

I got fired from my job as a film editor.
I just couldn't cut it.

Y'know, things are very different in communist countries. Take Russia, there is very little on the shelves in food shops and electronic stores.
Skilled workmen are rare and if you want to buy a car you have to wait ten years for delivery, if you can even afford one.
One man had saved his coupons and went to the state garage to buy a car and was told the delivery date would be ten years to the day.
"TEN YEARS!" exclaimed the man. "Will that be a morning or afternoon delivery?"
"Don't be ridiculous," replied the salesman. "That is ten years away. What difference can that make?"
"I have got a plumber coming in the afternoon."

Annual psychics convention:
You know when and where!