I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

As you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

BBC News- US love letter posted in 1958 takes 53 years to arrive
The Royal Mail could learn something from them

I went to the doctor today and said, "Every time I close my eyes I see pink striped tigers."
"Have you seen a psychiatrist?" he asked.
"No," I replied, "just pink striped tigers."

I went to see my doctor about having a vasectomy
He said " Thats a pretty big decision, have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yes" I replied, "They're in favour of it, 14 to 3..."

I have a doctor's appointment on Monday. I'm not even sick.
It's just that I've been working out and I want someone to see me naked.

A doctor is walking down a hospital ward when he hears a shriek and sees a nun running out of another doctor's office. Curious, he steps in to find out what's going on.
"Oh, I just told that nun she's pregnant," says the second doctor.
"My god, is she?" asks the first doctor.
"Of course not," says the second doctor, "but it cured her hiccups!!"

This young girl goes to the doctor's.
The doctor put a stethoscope on her chest and says, "Nice big breaths."
And the girl says, "Yeth, and I'm only twelve."

Saw a headline in the news last week "police hunt missing criminal." How is that a headline? Isn't that just their job description?

Officer: "What's your last name?"
Polish guy: "Zshertnotski-Scymbwuckcuk."
Officer: "How do you spell that?"
Polish guy: "With a hyphen."

A policeman stopped me earlier.
"Do you know why I've pulled you over?"
I said, "Because my tyres look like doughnuts?"

A woman goes to a gynaecologist. Whilst examining her, the doctor asks, "So, have you ever had a check up here before?"
"No, but I have had some Germans and an Austrian."

"What are my chances, doctor?"
"Well, I've done this operation 94 times..."
"Great, that's nice to know."
"...and I'm bound to get it right one of these days."

I've just been sacked from my job at the post office but I think I was too young for it anyway. All day long I would sit there sorting letters and listening to the radio but every time a song finished I would open one of the parcels.

I smoked a joint earlier.
All I need to do now is cure it and I'll have the best Christmas ham you've ever seen.

I committed the perfect crime: I stopped paying my psychiatrist.
He took me to court and I pleaded insanity.

An actual true story I witnessed last night:
Police were present in the city centre and on horseback. My mate walked upto one and started stroking the horse. He then said:
"How long does it take to train one of these?"
Copper replied,
"Around 6 months."
My mate, quick as a flash, said,
"I was talking to the horse."
He phoned me with his one call.

I went to the Barbers today.
"How much for a hair cut?", I asked.
"5", the Barber replied.
"How much for a shave?", I asked.
"2", the Barber replied.
So I said, "Right, well shave my head".

A manager and two members of his staff, an engineer and a programmer, are in a car. Its brakes fail, and it nearly goes out of control. Fortunately, they are able to stop it without causing an accident. They all get out, and the engineer says "I'll repair the brakes." The manager says "No, I'll organise a committee, arrange meetings, hold an inquest and, through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." Then the programmer says "I think the best way is to drive back to just before the spot where the brakes failed, and then go along the same route to see if the fault happens again."

I went to the doctor and asked if he could give me something for persistent wind.
He gave me a kite.

BBC News: High explosives found by bin.
Give this bin a job. This bin gets results, unlike police at the moment.

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him an injection, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing, throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

'Number Of Police 'Will Fall By 10,000'
How can they be so sure what's going to happen in eight thousand years time?

I went to the doctors.
He said, "You've got hypochondria."
I said, "Not that as well."

A doctor is speaking to a man. He says, "Do you want the good or the bad news first?"
The man replies, "The good news."
The doctor says, "You have 24 hours to live."
"WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN THAT?!" the man demands.
"I was trying to reach you yesterday."