All my life I have been looking for a cheery Fortune Teller, but I just can't find that happy medium.
Whizzing backwards in my wheelie chair to get a book from the other side of my office makes me feel like a dynamic go-getter.
Awkwardly waddling back to my desk again, not so much.
I remember when the policeman asked me if I was going to come quietly.
I said, "I'll try, but those handcuffs really excite me."
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked,
"What's the matter?"
"I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She was talking to the doctor!"
A woman was in the doctors for a check up when he said, "I have some good and bad news."
The woman asked for the bad news, to get it out the way, and the doctor told her she had roughly 7 months to live, as she had a brain tumour.
The woman then asked for the good news and the doctor said, "Congratulations, you are one month pregnant."
Due to a threatened strike over pay by Aylesbury firemen, a poll was taken. As a result, 7 members of blue watch fell through a hole in the floor.
I walked into a dentist's office. The dentist asked me what the problem was.
I said, "I'm a moth."
The dentist said, "You're a moth?"
I said, "Yes! I'm a moth. I act like a moth. I think like a moth. I'm a moth!"
The dentist said, "Sir, I think you want the psychiatrist's office. He's two doors further down the hall."
I said, "I know. I was on my way there, but your light was on."
Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whisky, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyser test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!?"
A stunning blonde went to see her GP.
"Miss Tracy Johnson, how can I help you?" asked the doctor.
"It's my memory doctor, I can't remember a thing five minutes after I've done it," said Tracy.
"Just take off all your clothes and lie down," said the doctor.
I went to see the doctor yesterday because I have a compulsion to recite pi to 874 digits.
He said I'm being irrational.
After being examined by a doctor, the patient asks, "Is this a rare illness doctor?"
The doctor says, "Not really, the graveyards are full of people who had it!"
I wanted to join the police but I failed the screening process. I couldn't even play 'Every Breath You Take'.
My wife said she wanted to try some role-play in the bedroom and bought me a police costume.
That night I was nowhere to be seen and eventually arrived about an hour after the event.
A doctor called in his next patient. This was an Italian immigrant and he always had problems making him understand.
The man walked in and proudly put a model of Buzz Lightyear on the table.
"I'm sorry? What's this for?"
"You tell me bring specimen."
"If you want to live much longer" said the doctor gravely, "you'll have to stop smoking."
"It's too late for that," I said.
"It's never too late to stop."
"Well, then I have plenty of time left."
Our window cleaner was outside jumping up and down and screaming earlier.
Some people lose their rag so easily don't they?
A guy returns home from the Doctor. His mate asks, "Why are you looking so miserable?"
The guy replies, "The doctor says I have to take one of these tablets every day for the rest of my life."
His mate adds, "That's not too bad."
The guy says, "It is - he's only given me four tablets."
Dawn French is so upset over her break up, that she has gone on hunger strike. Doctors have given her 24 years to live.
Help a London child this Christmas...
Kill a social worker
What's the difference between a Lehman's banker and a pigeon?
A pigeon can still leave a deposit on a Ferrari.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, why don't Daleks hide in orchards?
Gynaecologist, at your cervix.
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."