An Oxford University maths professor has been beaten to death by a colleague.
I bet he used a 2 by 4.

My dad has knocked a few lads out in his day.
He was a general anesthetic specialist.

Throughout the recession it has warmed my heart to know that I've been able
to do so much to help keep Shelter in business.
It's not all bad being a bailiff.

Ali Dizaei - proving Police Corruption isn't just for white people

BBC News: Police chase boy killed by train.
Maybe they have a chance of catching this one.

I went to 'The National Traffic Warden Awards' earlier.
It was an all ticket affair.

Tottenham Riots: "Protesters are believed to have gathered outside the police station earlier in the evening but the situation turned violent at about 20:20 BST"
That's 20:20 "Blacks start trouble" then

I know a way to end these riots.
Set the Polar Bears loose from all the London zoos.

My doctor said to me, "I've got 2 things to tell you. You've just won a liffetime's supply of beans."
I said, "Oh, that's good."
He then handed me over 1 tin of Heinz.
I said, "I thought you said I won a lifetime's supply?"
He said, "That's the other thing, you've only got 24 hours to live."

A gorgeous bird in my office just came up to me to talk shop, and she opened up with the line "I've been thinking long and hard about it".
I immediately replied with "you're correct".
She's just reported me to the supervisor.

My career seems to have peaked at the cap factory.

"It's either kill or cure."
Hardly the most confidence inspiring words the doctor could say to me. I think I'll go private.

"police take part in crime webchat"
Well, if you can't beat them, join them!

My doctor told me that I'm in desperate need of an enema.
Douche.

I've always had a one track mind.
Which explains why I didn't make it as a DJ.

I've been having problems with my memory lately so I went and saw my Doctor.
My doctor asked me, "So, how long have you been suffering from dementia?"
I guess he was waiting for me to say, "I don't know."
These doctors really do exist!!!

A dwarf policeman came up to me when I was stoned off my face. He asked was I high.
"Higher than you.."

I've just got a new job in Field Marketing
So far I've sold about 20 acres.

The new website: police.uk
Type in your postcode and find out how many scousers live in your area.

I work with antiques.
Calling bingo for them.

I'm a con artist.
I like to paint pictures of people who get hustled.

I don't know why all these Americans are complaining about the police using pepper spray.
For most of them it's the closest they'll get to having one of their 5-a-day.

A man arrives at Accident & Emergency with a knife sticking out of his chest and staggers to the nearest doctor:
"Doctor! Please help me!"
"Sorry," says the doctor. "My shift has just ended."
"But doctor, you have to help me!"
The doctor suddenly pulls the knife out of the man's chest and stabs it in his eye:
"Take the lift to the second floor. The ophthalmologist has just started his shift ..."

Steal from pessimists, they'll never bother with the police.

You know what the hardest thing about treating sick and dying kids as a doctor is?
Hiding your erection from the parents.