I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny; you couldn't even swing a cat in there.

If you ever get arrested wait till the cop says "anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence against you"
Then you say this: "please don't hit me again officer."

The three most heart-warming words somebody can say to you:
Lack of evidence.

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.
Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

It was so cold this morning I actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!

I work as a postman.
The pay isn't great, but anything addressed to 'Cash 4 Gold' is a good bonus.

How many policemen does it take to smash an egg?
None. It fell down the stairs.

A woman walks into the doctor's surgery but doesn't like the way he's looking at her.
When he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she disrobes. After he turns out the lights she asks, "Where will I put my clothes?"
"Hang them up over here," he says, "next to mine."

My local magician can slow his heartbeat down until it stops.
But, to tell the truth, he only managed to pull it off once.

"The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium," Tom said half-heartedly.

I went to the hairdressers yesterday and asked for a Number 2 all over.
So he shat on my head.

I said to my Doctor, "I've become a can of deodorant."
He said, "Are you sure?"
I replied, "No, I'm Lynx."