"You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence"
"Please don't hit me again, officer"

My friend wants to be a bin man when he's older.
He's got rubbish aspirations.

On a construction site there was a heated debate among craftsmen which would be the oldest profession on earth:
Mason:
-We are the oldest craftsmen, who do you think builded the pyramids and temples thousands of years ago ......
Painter:
-Oh I don't think so, since the days when people lived in caves the walls were painted with colours and figures ... that is sort of "painting"
While they were discussing it, there goes the electrician, hearing the discussion, and says:
- Ok guys, to finish the discussion, when God said "Let there be light!".... the cables were already installed!

I was woken up by the bin men this morning.
They broke into my house and abducted my wife.

If you're looking to work 3 hours a day, 2 days a week for about 8000 a month, please contact me!
We can look for it together.

Sky News Headline: Police Crack Cocaine Deal
Even the police are doing crack now..

I went on a training course to be a butcher, but I just couldn't cut it.

Attending a convention, three psychiatrists go for a stroll during a lunch break.
"People are always coming to us with their guilts and fears," one of them says, "but we have no one to go to with our problems. Since we're all professionals, why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They all agree it's a good idea and the first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I over charge patients as often as I can."
The second psychiatrist admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

London's gone mad!
2.95 for a skinny latte!

"There were windows being smashed every where.... it was chaos..... and then I saw this 50 inch plazma TV stood there.... I couldn't resist it. I stuck it in my car and legged it home". PC Dave "Scouse" Smith Merseyside Police.

It was my kids birthday and he was overjoyed when I told him there was a DS and PC waiting for him.
Until I said they had come to arrest him.

Whilst doing my taxi driving shift today, i was paid to take an American on a tour around London.
As we reached the London eye, the American asked "How long did it take to build that?"
"Six years", i said.
So the American said, "In the states, we could have built that in six days".
After that, i drove him to the Tower of London. "How long did it take to build that?", asked the American.
"Twenty years", i said.
So the American said, "In the states, we could have built that in twenty days".
After riding around London all day with the American, we finally got to Buckingham Palace.
"How long did it take to build that?", asked the American.
I said "I don't know but it wasn't there yesterday".

I told a policeman that I think I am allergic to them. He said, "Why's that?"
I said, "Well every time I have contact with a cop I break out in rashers."

Doctor: Congratulations, Sir. Your HIV test results has come back negative!
Patient: Are you positive, Doc?
Doctor: I am but that's none of your business.

I've failed my electricians practical exam over a dozen times.
I'll do it in the end though, just got to keep plugging away.

My psychiatrist told me that I am dependant on complete strangers opinion of me.
I disagree with him.
What do you guys think?

I was first in a police line-up today.
Someone had to get the conga started at the station's Christmas party.

I saw a sign at the side of the road earlier,
'POLICE
THERE WAS A FATAL CRASH HERE SUNDAY
CAN YOU HELP'
It's a bit late to be asking for help now.
I could have if they had put the signs up a week earlier.

Microsoft has shown off its "virtual human" that reacts to a person's emotions, body movements and voice.
Doctor's receptionists, Post Office counter workers and Marks & Spencer employees are already in discussion with their unions over possible redundancies.

I love going to see my female gynaecologist...
She has such genital hands.

My hot air balloon business has gone bust. Ive never felt so deflated.

I went to the doctors and told him I had a sharp pain in my back. He said 'You have a large key in your back, like you get on those mechanical toy cars.'
I turned to him and said 'Are you winding me up?'

G20 inquest: Pc pushed Tomlinson 'to move him away'.
Yeah, like the yanks move people away with their AC130s.

I have a really easy time picking up girls.
All I say is, "Would you like to come with me?"
If they get cheeky, I slap a pair of kinky handcuffs on them and lead them out to my car.
I love being a policeman.

I threw a party for my friend after he got his first job as a postman, unfortunately he never arrived, turns out he turned up at the wrong address three days late...