Some bloke from social services knocked at my door yesterday.
He said, "We've reason to believe that meals on wheels have been getting delivered here for the last six months".
"That's correct", I replied.
He said, "You don't look 72yrs of age to me?"
"Everyone says that" I replied, "But I've been eating really well lately".

If a cop says that you don't understand the gravity of the situation, don't say, "It's 9.81 metres per second squared, you would know this if you'd finished school."
It's not worth it, trust me; I spent the next twenty minutes explaining it.

I was playing tag with some kids in the park. I was "it", So I was chasing them.
I was just about to tag a little girl, Which is when you came around the corner Officer.

When Fred West got caught, he told police that there were 16 more bodies buried under his house. The police went to check and found 25 bodies. "What's the idea", the police asked him. "There were 25 bodies, not 16".
Fred replied, "I'm in the building trade, the figure of 16 was just an estimate".

I went to a Fortune Teller last night. She told me I had an honest face.
I wonder who she thinks nicked her handbag?

Dermatologists often make rash statements

My girlfriend said "You just went through a red traffic light, that's illegal!" I replied "Can't be, the policecar behind me has just done it too".

I'm a PC and statistically 9/10 people I arrest are black.

"I don't care if you are an usher at the cinema. You can't just tear up every ticket you're given".
Said the policeman.

What's one thing you never want to hear your dentist say?
"Oops. Wow, you really are numb!"

Cops recently took photos of each other sitting on the Queen's throne whilst on duty at Buckingham Palace.
It's lucky the Queen didn't catch them. As she'd have got a slap in the face and a baton to the legs.

I'm a PC and i've been beaten to death with a hammer

There I was, sat in the waiting room, sweaty, shaking, and nervous about the results of my test to be revealed.
The doctor walked in, then sat down, I look him in the eye and said, "Doctor, give it to me straight!"
"That's impossible, we're both men", he replied,
"Plus I don't want Chlamydia."

"Take one of these pills before going to bed tonight," says the doctor, "and another in the morning if you wake up."

I work for the LAPD in the SWAT team....
Proud to say they've been fly free since 1993.

I made an appointment with my private doctor claiming I had the symptoms of amnesia.
He made me pay in advance.

I went to the doctors yesterday, I'm quite lucky to have an old fashioned doctor. He's white.

I just sat my Higher maths exam today.
It was more confusing than a police line-up in Beijing.

My boss told me that my report concerning the company's quarterly profit margin was below par. As a golfer, do I consider that a good or a bad thing?

BBC News: Hospital 'misdiagnosed patients'
"It's early days yet, but we've narrowed it down to a broken wrist, or cancer."

patient: doctor,doctor i think i have a brain tumor!
doctor: relax its all in your head.

I was doing doughnuts in a car park when the place was suddenly crawling with police.
Managed to sell them sixteen variety boxes.

What is the difference between God and a social worker?
God doesn't pretend to be a social worker.

I'm sick of these cops keep telling me how to drive when they are the worst drivers out there.
Just look at how many signs are on the roadside saying police accident.

I've only just heard the shocking news from Haiti.
Apparently blacks have jobs there.