I have just lost my job protecting murder scenes until the forensic teams arrive.
Apparently my sperm was interfering with their investigations.
A woman goes to the doctor and asks "my husband walks with a terrible limp because his left leg is two inches longer than his right, what would you do in his case?" to which the doctor replies "I'd probably limp too!"
Just saw a police warning at the bus station,
"If your mobile phone is stolen, please ring 999 as soon as it happens."
When a doctor remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It runs in my family."
"Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked.
"Neither," the patient replied. "It's from my wife's family."
"Oh, come now," said the doctor. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"
He sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime."
My electrician mate accidentally blew the power to the Ice making factory next door.
The company has gone into liquidation.
A policeman knocked on my door this morning & said, "I'm afraid, I've got some bad news".
I said, "Oh you poor thing, come in and I'll help you through it".
Three 'successful' businessmen came in to talk in our school yesterday.
In fact, they were so successful, they had nothing to do on a Monday morning.
A hairdresser asked me out today. I'd never go out with a hairdresser though - they always talk about you behind your back.
I walked past my Doctor's surgery today and he's put a new sign in the window.
It says "Call into our surgery today, we offer top a quality service - you'll never get better!"
I didn't know what to make of that...
A big fat woman goes to the gynaecologist for the first time. The gynaecologist explains how she has to get up on the stool and place her legs in the stirrups. With great effort, the big fat woman climbs onto the stool and spreads her legs.
The gynaecologist turns round and takes a good look.
"Could you fart, please?" he says.
"Is that part of the treatment?"
"No, it's just to eliminate an option in my search."
I've been told to rest by my doctor.
I've already put my sleeping bag next to his desk.
Our police station is holding a knife amnesty this week and I just dropped all of mine in to them.
My wife's gone mental as she only has a fork now to eat her lunch with.
My six-year-old son has a little crush on his school teacher, which is normal at that age.
I think for just about everybody at some point in their life, there's one teacher you have a secret crush on.
Mine just happens to be my wife's aerobic teacher.
Does anyone else just dread meeting their girlfriend's parents for the first time? It's always stuffy, uncomfortable and unbearably awkward.
I hate police stations.
Apparently, you're meant to call 999 if you're being chased by someone. I recently discovered it doesn't work to well if that someone is the police.
I was testing my computer's new webcam when two thugs broke into my home. They beat me up and made off with loads of my valuables. Fortunately, my webcam was running the whole time and recorded it all. So I phoned the police and told them what had happened, and said "I've got the whole thing recorded." The police replied "In that case, we'll be right round - and I hope you've got a good lawyer. Filming someone without their permission is a very serious offence."
I walked out the operating room to meet the worried family and said, "Good news, we've managed to save your son's leg."
"Thank you so much doctor, we ..."
"Of course like most steamroller accidents, we couldn't save the rest of the body."
On my way home from work last night I was speeding down the motorway at 150mph, cutting up cars and generally having no regard for the rules of the road.
I love being a cop.
A Social Worker was being mugged with a gun to his head.
The mugger said, 'your money or your life!'
The Social Worker replied, 'I'm sorry, I'm a Social Worker so I have no money or life.'
I got pulled by a traffic cop last night.
It was either that or get done for speeding.
Funny how students think they can be really random by adding the words "cheeeeese" and "jaaaaam" to sentences.
I like to be random by indiscriminately punching students.
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, has blonde wavy hair and a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbour to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbour then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
What's with all the anti-police jokes on here?
Every Breath You Take is a brilliant song.
I went to my local GP today; he said he wanted me to go to hospital for a few tests... I'm dreading the revision.
My doctor asked me, "Do you smoke in the same room as your kids?"
I said, "No, my kids smoke in a completely different room."