A man goes to the doctor because he can't get to sleep at night. The doctor recommended counting sheep to help him fall asleep.
The man tries counting sheep and still can't fall asleep, so returns to the doctor for more advice.
The doctor says "sorry, i forgot to tell you, if you want this to work you'll have to count white sheep only, the black ones don't work!"
A good carpenter will do his work and then varnish without a trace.
I got pulled over by the police last night and the police officer said to me "Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" To which I replied, "Your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Iv'e been given a 1,000 fine and 4 points on my licence.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he began examining me.
' You will live until you are sixty, ' he said.
' But I am sixty, ' I replied.
' See,what did I tell you !!. '
The director took no time in rejecting my audition to play an epileptic in his play.
Guess my face didn't fit.
Just broke a mirror in the doctors surgery. He said jovially, "7 years bad luck!" then sat me down & told me I had 3 months to live.
My local health centre are about to start a trial by where UK born citizens are allowed priority access into the clinic before immigrants,
Sounds good, but I'm not sure I want to get in before the doctors do...
A policeman pulls over a man for speeding and after some discussion hands him a ticket for three points and a fine.
The man wittily asks "is this a raffle ticket?"
To which the policeman quickly replies "yeah sort of, four of those and you win a free bike"
I know an oncologist whose wife has cancer, a cardiologist whose wife had a heart attack and a neurologist whose wife has partial brain damage.
I'm still the unluckiest out of the four of us. Why?
I'm a urologist.
I was having a prostate examination the other day and it got really awkward about halfway through, the Doctor I'd made my appointment with walked in...
Got stopped on the way home from the pub last night, I was so drunk i could hardly focus.
A police woman asked me "Do you even know who i am?".
I don't think my reply "Drop your knickers and i will let you know!", Went down very well.
I'm a carpet fitter and recently every time I have been to work I've just stared screaming and having horrible flashbacks. My doctor has told me I've got underlaying mental problems
"Do you know the difference between us?" asks the anaesthetist.
"I haven't a clue," says the surgeon.
Couldn't get any whitewash in London today.
Apparently the Metropolitan police have stockpiled it.
I say, I say, I say; my doctor won an award for his work on the wasting away of muscle.
No, it was a medal.
Cameron has stated rioters need 'tough love' - don't worry Mr Cameron, I'm sure they'll enjoy plenty of 'tough love' behind bars!
Our local tailor closed his shop last week and has completely disappeared.
Not to worry, I'm sure he'll turn up again one day.
My maths teacher is so politically correct, he always names the people in the questions properly. Look here's an example:
Jamal and Mohammed decide to split the plane tickets in the ratio 45:55.
Simplify this as far as possible.
America: The only place in the world where the police are dumb enough to pull over a car and then ask the driver what the registration is.
All the day, I sit idle at work.
It's tough being a diet consultant in Africa.
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
The patient replies "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
My brother thinks he is a tree, his problems are obviously deeply rooted.
"Doctor, doctor! I can't stop dancing!"
The doctor glances up and the dancing man and says, "Sounds like you have dance fever."
The man bursts out laughing, amused that his doctor can make him feel better with a joke. "Doc, that's hilarious," the man exclaims. "I can't believe you managed to say it with a straight - "
Apparently the police are going to fight these government cuts.
Well if they treat the cuts like an innocent bystander at a protest, Government cuts beware.
I could not believe what we were seeing this afternoon as i stood with a group of spectators and witnessed the violent scenes in London unfold right infront of us. We did nothing, all we could do is stand and watch. Anyway i won't beat myself up over it. I'm off duty now.