My mate asked me, "If you weren't a hairdresser, what would you be doing?"
I said, "Probably women."
I sucked off a tightrope walker yesterday.
My doctor said I need a more balanced diet.
I tried to join the Police but I failed the IQ test.
I turned up at the right building on the right day.
Black police officer...
The equivalent of putting a junkie in charge of a pharmacy.
I said to my doctor, "I've got a problem, everybody I look at resembles an elephant".
He said, "Really? Carry on, I'm all ears".
I went to see the doctor today for a check up.
I nearly had a heart attack when he said my aorta was 95 percent blocked with cholesterol.
Why do most NHS doctors have trouble saying sorry? Because they can't speak English.
I pulled out of Tim Horton's this morning after buying a box of donuts for my co-workers. Apparently my signal went out and a cop pulled me over. The cop walked to the window and asked, "do you know why I pulled you over?" I replied, "because you could smell them." As I pointed at the box of donuts. The cop left me with a warning as he walked away in tears.
American Police Moto : "In God we trust, all others are suspects."
i went for a colonoscopy yesterday and was quite worried, but luckily i got the thumbs up.
I tried to look up my psychiatrist's skirt.
I would have seen more if it wasn't for her Freudian slip.
Why are all T.V. chefs angry?
Because they have a girls job.
Can someone please explain this...
The police have been reminded that they are servants and not masters, yet when I told the big black cop outside tesco to polish my shoes he beat me round the head?
Oh well, I think I'll call 999 and ask for a mug of coco and a hot water bottle, that should make me feel better
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, "No hablo ingles."
If its an offence to imitate a police officer.... then why do we have community police officers ...
I went to the doctor and told him I'm addicted to Train Spotting.
He told me I was Anoraksic.
I've just been fined for jaywalking.
Although, the police are calling it "public use of cannabis."
"Police are appealing to the public."
I think you'll find they aren't.
So this vehicle with blue flashing lights and a loud tune sped right past me today. I thought to myself "He won't sell many ice creams driving that fast".
I went to the doctor's today and he gave me six months to live.
He told me I should do something I've always wanted to do.
Luckily for me I've always wanted to live to 100.
as a police officer searching for drug users I simply watch the Jeremy Kyle show and hey ho job done!
After hours of carefully infiltrating a well-known drug dealers hideout, all of the drug dealers managed to get away, furious the leading Police Chief looks for his second in command, he shouts;
'I thought I told you men to watch all the exits!'
'But sir' replies the officer 'We did watch all the exits'
'So, how did all the drug dealers manage to escape?'
'Through the entrance sir'
My wife said, "Dear, your psychologist rang, you missed your appointment today".
I said, "Tell him he's sacked."
"and ask him how he feels about it".
A unit of police in tactical gear were heading thorough a park when suddenly two little girls with a skipping rope stopped them.
Just because they could.
I asked my son what makes him think he'll be a good sound engineer when he's older.
He said "because I want to, want to."
I have to admit, he sounds like a natural.