My mate has a rare psychological condition in which he think's he's a baby. It got so bad last week that he ended up being C-sectioned.

"Doctor doctor, I'm morbidly obese."
"Okay, take 5 seats and I'll be with you in a minute"

I got a doctors examination the other day and he wanted to test my flexibility.
He asked if I was available next Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

"Alright Sir, are you ready for your prostate exam?"
"Yes doctor."
"Ok then, Question 1 - Where is the prostate located?"

I was on the Tube the other day, when a Polish builder got on wearing a fluorescent jacket and green camouflage trousers. Is it me, or does anybody else see the irony in that?

You know when you've left a lasting impression on a woman when the Police can take your fingerprints from the bruises on her neck....

Sky news: "Hot dogs pose risk to children" as they choke on them.
Don't worry, I never let them swallow, i make them spit it out after eating the sausage.
--------------------------------------------------------
They obviously haven't met the police, they know to keep hot dogs in cars.

I went to see a shrink this morning
I came back 3 feet 6 .....

This NHS Direct is brilliant, just like going to the doctors.
Logged in and input all my symptoms and it gave me a diagnosis and printed out what tablets to take.
In a font I couldn't read.

When the doctor told me that he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid.
It made my blood boil.

So the police have revealed 200 photos of suspected rioters they want to question with regards to the August riots. They could have used better photos, they all look a bit dark to me!!

Now, I dont see colour. People tell me Im white and I believe them because police officers call me sir.

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."
The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

My Mum's turn during a family hangman game last New Year: "Your Dad cleans my what every week?"
V _ LV _
I really wished she drove a Volvo.

I went to the doctors today as i was feeling really under the weather.
My doctor took one look at me and said "Take off all your clothes"
He then proceded to rub a thick layer of salt over my skin and then pumped smoke from a machine over my entire body.
I dont know what he did but i think that i'm Cured.....

My Social Worker has said she will get me back to work "By Hook or by Crook".
If I'm honest, I'd prefer Piracy over Sheep Farming.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...
If you throw hard enough.

Get free parking anywhere you like by smashing a couple of your car's windows, ripping out your radio and placing a notice on the windscreen reading "Police Aware".
If you need longer than a few hours, you may have to temporarily burn out your car.

Just took my pork pie back to the butchers after finding a curved penny in it.
It's not the first time a bent copper has been found in Melton Mowbray.

I dropped some coppers yesterday.
They won't be knocking on my door again.

A guy was fixing a hot girl's washing machine and when he was done, she decided to try to get it cheap, so she asked: "shall I give you 50 quid or shall I take my pants off.". The guy thought for a second and answered: "better give me the money, I doubt your pants would fit me"

For some reason when I was a child, I wanted to be a philosopher.
I always wonder why

I walked into our local police station and ordered all of them to get down onto the floor. I shouted at them until each one was horizontal on their backs.
I really laid down the law.

Self Service Checkouts - When you want to know how it feels to be a failure at life.....

I used to be a spy until someone came at me with a hairdryer while I was in bed.
They blew my cover.