Don't worry If you miss the Sarah Millican show tonight.
She will be be using variations of the same joke for the next six weeks.

Think I might spend the evening watching the snooker final...
Or should I sit in a darkened room with a rope around my neck masturbating in my own self-pity...?
Tough decision.

Walkers crisps.
What's next? Runners doughnuts?

My wife said I was I was gullible, and I believed her

Libyan dictator Col. Gaddafi had been on the run for 2 months.
He was shot today, in Libya.
Now I don't know much about being on the run, but I know there's something fundamentally wrong there.

To protest against changes to higher education, Students in England are staging a national day of action.
They're actually going to get out of bed and go to lectures.

Old people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat.
When you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

Speaking about the mysterious blackbird incident last week, one resident said: 'Millions, millions fly over every night. You look up at the sky and it's just black."
As opposed to every other night when the night sky is bright green.

SportsDirect.com - Adidas Trainers half price sale now on. Maximum 3 per customer.
Great if you've got 3 legs or come from Norfolk then.

Remember when using the toilet to always flush twice.
Scousers will steal anything.

My wife said to me " I love you more than words can say"
"Im sure words-can-say is devasted" I muttered back...

Yahoo: "Clegg 'wrestled with conscience' over cuts"
Luckily, his conscience was weak enough to be soundly defeated.

I just travelled back in time to 1985 and brought a Mars bar, or as they are known in the present day, a 'king size' Mars bar.

My mate Dave has just got back from Poland
"The loneliness nearly killed him"

For 10 years I suffered from "Locked in syndrome", until I finally found a cure.
Divorce.

Peter Kay's comedy reminds me of a time capsule.
15 years on and nothings changed.

What is the most common way to end your life?
Get married.

I'd like to thank politicians for no longer patronising us, and I'd also like to thank them for wearing colour coded ties so we knew which party was which.

BBC NEWS : "Unknown" Body parts are of missing person.
If they weren't off of a missing person I'm fairly certain they wouldn't be "unknown"

My wife forced me to watch the final of Britain's Got Talent in which Spelbound won.
If I wanted to watch Tango'd, waxed six-packs throw themselves around the floor for no good reason, I would watch Cristiano Ronaldo in the World Cup

Sky News: Teacher secretly filmed beating children.
At chess.

Dont you hate it when people use apostrophe's incorrectly?

It saddens me when people forget the true meaning of Easter.
Chocolate eggs.

I picked up the phone this morning and a salesman on the line said "Good morning sir,I have a fantastic offer today, we want to supply and install a free conservatory in your home in return that we use it for our marketing" I replied "that seems fair, I'll take it" He then asked "Can you give me your full address please sir?" I replied "Flat 3/2.....

My girlfriend just slammed the door in my face because I 'never take her seriously'.
It was so cute!