Apparently a fifth of disabled adults say the paralympics are patronising. Ah bless.
My fat, ugly wife rang the police, "I'm being stalked... I want 24hr protection."
"We'll be there shortly ma'am" they said.
I don't think they took it too seriously though.
Ten minutes later there was a noise outside, she opened the door and found a can of Sure on the mat.
In other news, scientists are trying to figure out if those who believed the recent McDonald's hoax have an IQ above 18.
"Good things come to those who wait"
Unless what you're waiting for, is customer service.
A judge has ruled that the SFA had 'no right to impose a transfer embargo on Rangers FC.'
I suppose he's right. After all, it was only 20 years of tax evasion.
I really have invented the worlds smallest violin,
But everyone thinks I'm just being sarcastic!
What does lightning and a female Chinese boxers punches have in common.
Only one in a million strike you.
Dropped my phone down the toilet.
Thankfully it's a Nokia so it didn't flush.
Right, lets get this straight
I don't buy sure as the adverts sound too sarcastic.
Mark Duggan's family must be really shocked by the scale of the riots his death has caused.
I bet they never realised he had so many friends up north.
Rather than saying, "And here's your receipt," cashiers should say, "Will you throw this away for me?"
My mum's just told me 'this is not a hotel'. I was like 'I know. I've been into the bathroom. I've seen how big the shampoo bottles are'.
I bought one of those "Memory Foam" mattresses the other day,
It doesn't work, I think it's got amnesia.
My mate called in for a beer earlier .We talked about going to the gym.I said physical fitness is a little weakness of mine.My wife popped her head around the door ,and said don't forget to tell your mate about your other little weakness!
'Great Train Robber Remains In Prison'
Well he can't have been that great if he's in prison.
I've started watching Bargain Hunt on the BBC recently, and it has got me really excited about the profits that can be made from dealing in antiques.
I've just dropped the curator of the Louvre an email asking if I can buy the Venus de Milo for 100 - I hope he agrees, based on what I have learnt from the show I could get as much as 108 for it.
Me: in Nicaragua, beautiful women used to be thrown into volcanoes.
Wife: you wouldn't do that to me would you?
Me: ......................, I said beautiful women
BBC News: "Missing tourist found alive in US."
On holiday, strangely enough.
My wife tried telling me that women are smarter than men....
"Is that why anyone with a high I.Q can join that club womensa...."
A bully pushed me over in the playground today, and I grazed my knee slightly.
Naturally, this means that I am now the future winner of The X-Factor 2012.
If money does not grow on trees,why do banks have branches?
So they can hang their customers out to dry!
I bought some pajamas the other day, and when I got home I realized they had pockets.
Which is great, because now I no longer have to hold things when I'm asleep.
I hate it when I don't forward chain mail and I die the next day.
Walked in the kitchen to see my dog at his water bowl earlier today.
So I quickly ran up and tried giving him a good shafting from behind.
Before I could stop him he turned and bit me on the hand.
He can give it but he can't take it.