Sarcasm Joke

Apparently a fifth of disabled adults say the paralympics are patronising. Ah bless.

Sarcasm Joke

My fat, ugly wife rang the police, "I'm being stalked... I want 24hr protection."
"We'll be there shortly ma'am" they said.
I don't think they took it too seriously though.
Ten minutes later there was a noise outside, she opened the door and found a can of Sure on the mat.

Sarcasm Joke

In other news, scientists are trying to figure out if those who believed the recent McDonald's hoax have an IQ above 18.

Sarcasm Joke

"Good things come to those who wait"
Unless what you're waiting for, is customer service.

Sarcasm Joke

A judge has ruled that the SFA had 'no right to impose a transfer embargo on Rangers FC.'
I suppose he's right. After all, it was only 20 years of tax evasion.

Sarcasm Joke

I really have invented the worlds smallest violin,
But everyone thinks I'm just being sarcastic!

Sarcasm Joke

What does lightning and a female Chinese boxers punches have in common.
Only one in a million strike you.

Sarcasm Joke

Dropped my phone down the toilet.
Thankfully it's a Nokia so it didn't flush.

Sarcasm Joke

Right, lets get this straight
---------------------------------------~
So close.

Sarcasm Joke

I don't buy sure as the adverts sound too sarcastic.

Sarcasm Joke

Mark Duggan's family must be really shocked by the scale of the riots his death has caused.
I bet they never realised he had so many friends up north.

Sarcasm Joke

Rather than saying, "And here's your receipt," cashiers should say, "Will you throw this away for me?"

Sarcasm Joke

My mum's just told me 'this is not a hotel'. I was like 'I know. I've been into the bathroom. I've seen how big the shampoo bottles are'.

Sarcasm Joke

I bought one of those "Memory Foam" mattresses the other day,
It doesn't work, I think it's got amnesia.

Sarcasm Joke

My mate called in for a beer earlier .We talked about going to the gym.I said physical fitness is a little weakness of mine.My wife popped her head around the door ,and said don't forget to tell your mate about your other little weakness!

Sarcasm Joke

Sky News
'Great Train Robber Remains In Prison'
Well he can't have been that great if he's in prison.

Sarcasm Joke

I've started watching Bargain Hunt on the BBC recently, and it has got me really excited about the profits that can be made from dealing in antiques.
I've just dropped the curator of the Louvre an email asking if I can buy the Venus de Milo for 100 - I hope he agrees, based on what I have learnt from the show I could get as much as 108 for it.

Sarcasm Joke

Me: in Nicaragua, beautiful women used to be thrown into volcanoes.
Wife: you wouldn't do that to me would you?
Me: ......................, I said beautiful women

Sarcasm Joke

BBC News: "Missing tourist found alive in US."
On holiday, strangely enough.

Sarcasm Joke

My wife tried telling me that women are smarter than men....
"Is that why anyone with a high I.Q can join that club womensa...."

Sarcasm Joke

A bully pushed me over in the playground today, and I grazed my knee slightly.
Naturally, this means that I am now the future winner of The X-Factor 2012.

Sarcasm Joke

If money does not grow on trees,why do banks have branches?
So they can hang their customers out to dry!

Sarcasm Joke

I bought some pajamas the other day, and when I got home I realized they had pockets.
Which is great, because now I no longer have to hold things when I'm asleep.

Sarcasm Joke

I hate it when I don't forward chain mail and I die the next day.

Sarcasm Joke

Walked in the kitchen to see my dog at his water bowl earlier today.
So I quickly ran up and tried giving him a good shafting from behind.
Before I could stop him he turned and bit me on the hand.
He can give it but he can't take it.