Just bought a jacket on ebay with buy it now and got an email saying 'Congratulations! You won the item'
Shouldn't I get my money back then?

Getting a free cuddly toy is definitely going to be the clincher when deciding who to renew your outrageously expensive car insurance with. Masterstroke there, comparethemarket.com

Where can you find an honest pikey?
In a Tolkien novel.

Why is it that people who wear camouflage trousers stand out so much??

An internet survery keeps asking me whether or not i'm single.
No youtube, i'm sitting here on my friday evening watching babies laugh because my stunning girlfriend is out of town.

I was walking through the park today and wondered, "why does the frisby get bigger the closer it gets?"
And then I realised due to the curvature of my eye the size of the object depends entirely on the angle between it's most distant points, which decreases with distance, and the frisby from a distance subtends a smaller angle than when up close.
And then I carried on with my walk.

I'm glad food manufacturers include 'serving suggestions' on the label.
What a discovery!.........I would have never in a million years thought of putting 'beans' on toast.

Dear Sheila,
Are you really the joke stealer, or are you just saying that because it rhymes?
Regards,
Dave Miller the Bandwagon killer.

Parking on double yellows and putting your hazards on.
ahh yes..... that will fool them.

I got stopped by the cops last night and the copper asked if I'd been drinking? "Don't be daft" I replied, "I cant' afford alcohol AND petrol!!"

"Hi can I help you?"
"No ugly girl at helpdesk, I just waited in line for 15 minutes to say, hi"

Sometimes I like to go up to people in wheelchairs and softly whisper "Natural Selection" in their ear.

They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, like I've never heard that before.

Those wall mounted hand dryers are really impressive.
I dried my hands with one at a nightclub on Friday.
I think they're almost dry.

Amazing that all it takes to cure cancer and aids, establish world peace, reverse climate change, provide employment in deprived areas, lower crime rates to zero, balance the budget deficit and make every single person in the world happy is one little Royal Wedding.

So the government want us to pay the taliban to change sides... That's a great idea, why not offer Osama Bin Laden a knighthood and make Rafa Benitez England manager while we're at it?

I'm always showing off to my mates that I can't afford the latest iphone.

BBC News: Queensland survives Cyclone Yasi with no known deaths.
That is the usual definition of survive. I'd be surprised if someone 'survived' a cyclone and knowingly died.

Been nowhere. Done nothing. Stole the t-shirt.

Just read a book called 'Lazy journalism and how to steal jokes from sick joke websites'.
Or todays 'Sun' as it's also known.

A customer in the restaurant where I work, asked me, "Sir, what's this fly doing in my soup and I don't want any stupid jokes"
"Ok, drowning" I told him

So, the world's oldest man has died at the age of 113.
I saw it coming to be honest.

You know you've got no friends when even Readers Digest stop writing to you.

My parents keep telling me that I think the whole world keeps revolving around me...
Well you are the ones that call me sun...

Now that people are changing their Facebook profile pictures back from cartoon characters, I feel comfortable beating my child again without Peter Pan's judging eyes on me.