I just heard that scientists have discovered that ecstacy could cure cancer.
Well done science. Now just prove that cocaine cures a cold, alcohol improves driving ability and Rohypnol is a just a harmless natural aphrodisiac that helps women make great decisions. That would be great and should get me out of prison.

Am I the only person eagerly awaiting a Sickipedia iPhone app?

I can't believe how long its taking for the 'geniuses' at Gillette to bring out a new razor with six blades!

In future I'm going to Sainsbury's to buy their own brand of condoms
Apparently you can really Taste The Difference.

I just answered the phone to a market researcher and he said,
"Good morning sir. Is it possible to speak with Mrs Jennings?"
"She's gone out", I replied.
"When would be the best time to call and speak to her?", he asked.
I said, "When she's in" and put the phone down.

A police investigation has found that counterfeiters have doubled the number of 1 coins that they forge every year.
Wouldn't it have been easier to just start making 2 coins?

It's a terrible old world when half of African mothers will either lose their children to famine, disease, Madonna or Angelina Jolie.

"Ancestry.com - Who will you discover?"
My ancestors?

What is the most powerful anti-depressant available?
Divorce.

Carslberg don't do good beer.

For all Americans who don't think your stupid ...
Read the words on the right ---> <--- Read the words on the left.
-------------------------------
"you're"
You're an American really aren't you?

Status: Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.
I guess that's exactly what you're doing sitting in front of a computer on Facebook.

My Girlfriend and I were watching television earlier when she said to me,
"Don't you think it's unfair that when a man sleeps with many women he's called a stud... but when a woman sleeps around with a lot of men she's called a slag?"
After five seconds or so of silence she said to me "Mark, are you even listening to me?"
"Oh sorry dear... I couldn't hear you over the sound of those dishes not being washed"

Sky News- "Crocodile Dundee Star Banned From Leaving Oz"
Doesn't he realise he just has to click his heels together and say 'There's no place like home'?

So, BA's cabin crew say they're not going to work for 12 days over Christmas.
This truly is a black day for British Airways.

With all this talk about having a cull on foxes to prevent any more babies being mauled I've come up with a brilliant idea.
Basically we invent a sport where posh people chase foxes on horseback, perhaps with horns to signal the direction of their movements and some kind of other animals with them to actually kill the fox, lets say for arguments sake, packs of dogs.
I reckon it might take off.

I was in the pub at closing time with my mate last night, I said "can I borrow your phone please? I need to call a taxi and I've left my mobile at home"
He said "sure, you can use my new iPhone"
Anyway, to cut a long story short, it took me about half an hour to walk home.

I said to my wife over breakfast this morning, "If I was on death row and I had to request a last meal, it would definitely be one of yours."
"Awwww, really?" she smiled.
"Of course," I replied.
"They wouldn't need to bother with the lethal injection then."

Ive just seen an advert for a notebook, it says its got crisp white paper, so you can write on both sides of the paper
Now correct me if Im wrong, but Im pretty sure this isnt a break though in paper technology. Whats next? Advertising see-though windows?

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.
You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out-of-order" sign. Just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.

Statistically, 3/4 of an injured soldier won't appreciate Jimmy Carr's joke.

Wow. With jokes like these I'm starting to miss the database latency too high page.

BBC News Headline: Soldier's ashes saved from fire.
If you ask me I think you saved him a little too late.

Why was Paul Bearer on Question Time last night?

Microsoft have announced they are releasing a 'social phone.'
Excellent news; I've been waiting for one I can speak to people on.