Hearing rumours of retaliation for attack on Fortnum and Mason: a mob of tweed clad old Etonians vandalise a Lidl in Slough.

I'd just been out birthday shopping and was sitting on the crowded bus home, when this little old lady asked me if I mind giving up my seat for her.
I looked at her miserable face and heavy shopping bags, and said "Yes, I do."
"Alright then," she replied, "Just don't expect any christmas presents off me and your grandfather this year,".

I bought a baseball cap today, but every time i put it on my head it rolls off.

The wife suggested we go for a night out somewhere because we haven't been out for ages. She said "How about going to the dogs one night?".
I said "Good idea, but I don't really want to spend an evening round your mothers."

The RSPCA have released a statement saying the proposed Badger cull would be a "black day for Badgers".
They also said the holocaust was a "difficult time for jews" and that the destruction of the entire human race would be "regrettable".

I was in the pub last night and I walked up to the barman and said "Vodka please mate"
He said "How would you like it?"
I said "Give it to me straight"
He said "You're fat and ugly"

Don't worry, I'll always be behind you 100%.
Because if anything happens, it will happen to you first.

Asian Convenience Store Owners:
Maybe there are still racial stereotypes and hatred towards you because you choose to waffle down the phone in urdu when English customers come in, don't stop your conversation and be as rude as possible in your sweat stinking overpriced shop. Just a thought.

No, I said I was fully trained in SECOND aid....
Which means I can give you looks of concern until someone that knows first aid gets here.

Rumours...
Well at least you're spreading something else beside your legs.

Even my Blackberry battery lasts longer than a relationships these days.

The cashier at Costco pointed at my zit and said that "proactive worked for her."
I replied that "college worked for me."

Sky News: Young brit in coma after balcony plunge.
That's funny, last week you told us she died?

On my way to work this morning I tripped over some disgusting old wino lying on the pavement.
He demanded an apology.
'Sorry, Dad'

Does anyone actually ever use a Tape Measure to measure tape?

The man who came up with estimation has died....
His funerals due to take place round about Wednesday next week.

Nuromol: "It took our scientists years to create a new unique painkiller combination."
You've mixed paracetamol and ibuprofen. Yea, well done geniuses.

I self harmed at the weekend.
I got married.

I walked into the shop I asked, "Have you got a pint of milk please, love?"
"In the carton?" She asked.
I said, "No,no, just tip it in my hands."

Maybe burning those poppies wasn't such a bad thing, I haven't seen this much Nationalism since Hitler...

Just saw the B&Q advert and their doing a January sale now.
So a November sale then.

Tomorrow on Famous and Fearless, one of the 'scary challenges' is where the celebrities have to close their eyes and randomly select a Revel. Imagine what would happen if someone got a coffee? Thank God Chris Evans will be there to drag it out for the rest of my life.

"Jersey the hottest part of the british isles", isnt that a bit like claiming to be the best striker in the Heskey family.

BBC News: Births fuel population rise.
And your mind is blown.

British justice has, since 1903, held the views of 'the man on the Clapham Omnibus' as the personification of public opinion. Australia have adopted their own phrase 'the man on the Bondi tram' and many other countries have local sayings that follow suit.
Today, in Britain, the woman on the tram was remanded into custody - for having an opinion!.