I'm not saying the BBC repeats Only Fools and horses often, but the del boy shaped burn in my plasma T.V says otherwise.

I have just told iTunes that I've read and agreed to their Terms Of Service when I actually haven't! I've never felt more alive!!

BBC NEWS - Fire cutbacks 'put lives at risk.'
Oh so that's where I've been going wrong? Next time my chip pan is blazing away,
I'll not waste the local fire stations time, safe in the knowledge I have less chance of dying when the flames are free to burn away.

I've got myself into a little bit of debt and so I downloaded my Experian credit report.
It looks depressing but I'm sure paying 8 a month to view the page will get me out of debt quicker than using it towards actually repaying.

News: The Irish water crisis continues.
Imagine how tragic it would be if the Irish had to start drinking copious amounts of alcohol to deal with their problems.

Yahoo News Vietnam: "9 friends die at New Year party"
We all know they're behind the times, but reporting New Year stuff in February is hardly finger-on-the-pulse journalism.

The person who cancels it will be my American Idol.

I was stuck at the checkout in Tesco's today behind some tarty old woman, taking for ever. "Its my birthday today....21" she said to the woman on the checkout.
I said "I thought so"
"Oh! Do you really think I'm that young?" She asked thinking she'd pulled.
"No" I said "you obviously can't count. This is 10 items or fewer"

I don't know whether to like my mates bird.
She's ugly, controlling and worst of all, her voice is annoying.
On the up side. every time I see her, my self esteem rises just that little bit.

I love how you can't tell if people are being sarcastic over the internet.

Warner Brothers have annouced plot details of The Hangover: Part 3. They wake up to find a Gorilla in their hotel room and instead of Doug or Ted missing, the laughs, the fanbase and the audience go missing

Single?
Buy a ship, call it "relation". Then you'll have a relationship.

I heard a rumour that DFS have a Christmas sale on?

My wife asked me ''What do you fancy doing tonight?''.
I replied ''Honestly, Jessica Alba, but I guess I'm stuck with you!''.

Advice from the Met Office:
"If possible stay out of the heat during the middle part of the day; cool yourself down; keep your environment cool and look out for others, especially older people, those living alone and babies and young children."
Talk about stating the obvious!
That's who I normally target.

BBC news today,
American beats world record for hot dog eating.
well well, nearly fell off my chair....

My Boss is leaving work in a few weeks. She asked me am I going to miss her.
I said yeah, just like the Fritzl kids miss their Dad.

I'm amazed by last nights antics in the east end , I couldn't believe it when I saw it
only one person stabbed!

There is a real person behind every spastic.
Unless they have an electric wheelchair of course.

Gillette are said to be capitalising on their sponsorship of Thierry Henry by unveiling their revolutionary hands-free shaver

Bill Turnbull on Monday morning tv chatting to Giggs, he said: "Imagine what you could have achieved if you'd been English."
Yeah, he could have missed one of those penalties at the World Cup and got himself a nice Pizza Hut advert.

The new cherry flavoured Pringles.
Once you pop you just can't stop.

"If you're repeating a gag from a comic - always credit it. It's only fair."
In that case, I'd just like to admit that I ate some of Michael McIntyres vomit and it repeated on me.

I love the Cornetto McFlurry. For so long I've wondered how the Cornetto could possibly be improved and finally McDonald's have provided the answer to my question:
Simply replace the tasty chocolate filled cone with a disposable paper cup. Delicious.

According to a recent survey taken in Scotland, 1 in 10 Scottish kids have been knocked down on the road whilst out playing... Only 1? Has driving standards really got that bad that they've missed so many of them?