"5ft 7 Tom Cruise to act as 6ft 5 man mountain in new movie"
Well, if CGI can make monkeys talk, blue aliens, and entire worlds, I'm sure they can make it look like Tom Cruise can act.

The swine flu website - created to help calm the pandemic - has been overloaded with approximately 2.7million visitors, and has subsequently crashed, rendering the site inaccessible.
As a Sickipedian, I cannot possibly relate.

...and God, in his infinite wisdom, commanded Noah to take two of every creature onto the Ark...
Even woodworms.
Brilliant plan.

Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 216 words.

My girlfriend asked me what I thought we should use as a contraceptive.
Apparently her being naked isn't one.

I was on holiday in Miami recently and went on a helicopter trip.
When we were in the air I said to the pilot
"Isn't there a place round here somewhere, named after a shape, where airplanes disappear without a trace?"
"Oh, you mean the Bermuda triangle".
"No, The Pentagon".

David Cameron has described tax avoidance as being morally repugnant.
It's good to see that he learnt such a strong ethical awareness when he studied at Eton College, registered charity number 1139086.

Prince Charles has been made a Field Marshal, Admiral of the Fleet and Marshal of the Royal Air Force in the Honours list by his mum.
My mum made me a jumper.

My mate pointed out the window and said, "Is that your wife mowing the lawn out there?"
"Yeah, she never stops," I replied
"Call me old fashioned if you want, but I hate to see a woman doing manual labour."
"Me too," I replied, as I closed the curtains.

The all new kindle... because you need to carry 3500 books around

Thought of the day:
If France had a civil war, which side would surrender first?

Just watching the Brazil match on TV. That Robinho looks good, if I was the Manchester City manager I'd try and sign him.

Al-Qaeda must be reeling after the death of Bin Laden.
Where on earth will they find another bearded Muslim extremist to replace him?

Apparently Omid Djalili is Iranian.
Why doesn't he tell us this more often?

ABC ... Easy as 1,2,3
Unless of course, ABC stands for Airways, Breathing and Circulation

I like these re-sealable cheese packets. They're fantastic.
It's like folding the end of the packet over, only more awkward and time-consuming.

I had that horrible thing happen yesterday when I bought something from the shop only to find it was out of date when I got home.
It was the new Peter Kay DVD.

After criticism of their product Walkers announce there is at least one large potato in every pack of Walkers crisps.
The 24 Multipack.

My wife and I are going out with some of her friends tonight and I have to say, I'm so excited that I can hardly contain my sarcasm.

Daily Mail:
"Briton fell to his death jumping between 5th floor hotel balconies in Spain after all-day drinking session".
My sincere condolences go out to KFC on the devastating loss of a future employee.

British councils: Please dress your children warmly for the wintry conditions.
Thanks for that tip! I was about to send them to school in shorts and flip flops!

I was lucky enough to work in a hi-fi shop to witness this:
An old lady walks into the shop one morning and asked if we sold sheet music.
My collegue, without skipping a beat says, "Sorry no, we only sell the decent stuff."

My son has just got his degree in English medieval literature.
Just have to wait for the job offers to start rolling in now!

A Welshman, an Irishman, a Paki, Jimmy Carr, two lesbians, a Jew and my neighbour's nine-year-old daughter walk into a bar.
The barman screams, "DUPLICATE!" And then he says something bad about Americans.

'A new version of Windows Live Messenger is available, would you like to update?'
I would do Windows but you've caught me at a bit of a bad time, I was just about to check my Bebo page then I'm taking the penny farthing out for a spin.