Johnsons baby: New formula designed to be soft on skin
As opposed to the last formula which was designed to cut gaping wounds in your baby?

When I left home, my mum said, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely... It's a basic skill, isn't it?"

I was in London today and jumped into a black cab. I said, "Waterloo, mate."
He said, "The station?"
"Well, I'm a bit late for the battle."

I can't believe that Ryan Giggs missed training in the week of the Champions League final.
It's almost like he doesn't understand the meaning of commitment.

punctuation who needs it

I was walking past my local Asda and I saw a sign on one of the doors saying, "Exit Only."
I pushed it, went in and walked up to customer services.
"You've seriously underestimated that door's use." I told them.

hypocrisy |hipkris|
noun ( pl. -sies)
the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behaviour does not conform; e.g. forming a website by changing the 'w' in 'Wikipedia' to an 's' and adding a 'c', then complaining about duplication, plagiarism and copyright theft.

I hate it when people say "Oh, I'm a vegetarian except for fish".
Yeah? And I'm a non-smoker except for cigarettes.

Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?"
Simon: "No Mis"

Astrology: because millions of planets and stars have spent billions of years lining themselves up just to let her know that she'll "meet someone with nice eyes today."

I saw this lovely three piece suite in DFS and it seemed quite a bargain.
Does anyone know when they have their sales?

Just read the headline 'Motorcyclist killed in A1 collision' on the BBC website.
I for one think that the media should show more respect to the grieving family and refrain from rating fatal accidents.

I can't help but wonder how Bovril happened.
At what point was anyone looking at tea and thinking "This isn't meaty enough."?

Police are using thermal imaging cameras to search for raves in Kent.
I guess it's pretty hard to see 34 strobe lights, hear a 20k sound system and smell half of Morocco burning.

They've just brought out non-alcoholic Cider...
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's Apple Juice!

My friends say I'm too easy to please.
I was delighted when they told me.

Is there anyone called Phillip here?
I found your screwdriver.

News reader- "Melted snow could freeze and turn to ice"
Looks like someone has a degree in chemistry

Read this joke by weeman160:
According to BBC, University students can now take a course studying comedy.
What a joke!
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You might want to consider applying.