I'm not saying it's hot but I just saw a Goth taking his coat off.
I was at a nightclub and standing by the door. The Bouncer came over and said, "You have to move you're blocking the fire exit,"
As though if there was a fire I wasn't going to run.
Eminem is officially worth $115 million.
I can't wait to hear his next song about how much he hates his life.
Apparently, Rizla justify their production of Kingsize papers by saying they are for long distance lorry drivers and not for drug use.
And I spend my time in internet chat rooms talking to children because I don't want them to be lonely.
I just walked into my Sarcastics Anonymous club, five minutes late.
They said, "Oh, nice of you to join us."
I bought some pyjamas off the internet, and when I got them I found they had pockets.
Which is great, because now I no longer have to hold things when I'm asleep.
Ronseal, does exactly what it says on the tin.
Funny, I can't seem to see where it says, "Ruins your best jeans."
I've no idea what's going on with this weather.
It's gone really cold again just like it did last winter. Crazy.
Women, I wish to thank you for placing those "Child On Board" stickers in the back of your cars, as they obviously make me realise that I value the life of your child far greater than I do of my own life. Before you started doing this, I simply slowed my own vehicle down by ramming it into the car in front of me. I shall now use my brakes and refrain from having a large rear-end collision with you in the future.
Why do fat, ugly, hairy women take advantage of innocent, drunk men?
At Amy Winehouse's funeral her father said that she had conquered her addiction to drugs and was winning her battle with alcohol.
Such a shame when someone so young dies of old age.
I was eating a packet of Walker's crisps the other day: Stephen Fry's Fry Up flavour. The first crisp tasted just like sausages, the second tasted exactly like eggs with tomato ketchup, but what did the third crisp taste of?
Trick question: of course there was no third crisp.
I said to girlfriend, "Everybody thinks I'm too sarcastic."
She said, "What makes you say that?"
I said, "My mouth."
Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.
But get him an incapacity benefit form and he can have takeaways every night for life.
"The death of a 10-year-old boy who was found hanging in woods appeared to be a 'tragic accident'," police have said.
Yes, I can empathise with that, I remember walking home at night once and almost stumbling into a field of noose trees, nearly went headfirst into one, at least they could put up warning signs.
I noticed in the song, "Do They Know It's Christmas?" there's a line that says, 'and there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time'.
Well, I'm no weather forecaster but I don't know many areas in the Southern Hemisphere that are going to get a lot of snow at all during their summer.
I finally found the true meaning of xmas today.
It's for people who can't spell Christmas.
Apparently if you eat too much of one food, it will change your skin colour to match
I don't believe it though, if it was true then Africans would all be invisible
"LSD 'helps alcoholics to give up drinking'"
In the same way that a bullet helps you give up oxygen.
Comic Relief and Walkers Crisps have teamed up to raise money by using celebrities with witty names for their flavours:
Stephen Fry Up
Jimmy con Carrne
Steak and Al Pie
Frank Roast Dinner
You know why they never chose David Seaman?
Because he's a footballer not a comedian.
I was wondering what that strange thing in the air was today, that blew my coffee over and made me lose my cigarette on my break at work. But thanks to my friends on Facebook with status updates, I have now found out it is windy outside.
"Secret Services should be less secret" says some government bod.
We're hardly going to scare terrorists off with "Slightly Vague Services" though.
How come in the obituaries you never read "Died gasping for air and clinging onto the nurses arm with a look of terror on his face."
Wife: "It's started snowing outside"
Husband: "Good. I hate it when it snows inside".
My boss screamed at me this morning.
"It's the fifth time you're late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!"
I said, "Probably that it's Friday."