BBC news: Danny Foster an Ex American marine, is to face the death penalty for killing 5 members of his own soft ball team.
An American soldier killing people on his own side. Who'd have thought?

When an American mates with an Ethiopian the babies come out thick and fast

Reebok,
Sponsoring failed exams since 1895

Did you go see Sarcasm, the Movie?
No, we just hung round the cinema for two hours.

My wife came downstairs this morning, horrified, to find me supping a can of Strongbow.
"It's one of my 5 a day," I claimed.
"Cider doesn't count as a fruit, you know".
"Who said anything about fruit?" I asked.

I love it when people say 'I love it when...' even though they don't.

I went to the chemist's today to pick up my medication.
While I was waiting, a woman tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Are you in the queue for prescriptions?"
I replied, "No, I'm standing here for the good of my health."

BBC News : "Inquiry After Balloon Collides With House"
I got such a fright, I dropped a feather on my toe.

I came from a very poor family of five children.We all used to sleep in the same bed.
In fact,I never slept alone until I got married.

I walked into Starbucks earlier to get myself a black coffee.
"Instant?" he asked...
"No, could I wait for half an hour please!"

It disturbs me how people say "you'll need a box of tissues" for the new toy story film.

BBC News: Nine held over global iPhone scam.
You mean the board of directors at Apple?

Whenever the Tax office write to you, they always use brown envelopes.
It's like they know what you're going to do with it.

My friend said to me yesterday 'you understand sarcasm really well'
I didn't think i did, but maybe i'm wrong.

For me, losing is not an option.
Unless of course, I'm being realistic about my abilities.

I started my new job in a unit that deals with people who suffer with Aspbergers Syndrome and Autism..
I asked the manager who the people were in the corner working at computers.
She told me that they were all editing jokes on this website.

I'm just watching the fourth Britains got talent semi final.
I can't wait to watch the three finals and see who the twelve winners are.

My driving instructor just said, "When driving through thick fog, what should you use?"
"A car." I replied

I've never heard of a Dangerou before but apparently there are loads of them at the zoo. Every other cage has a sign saying: 'These animals are Dangerous'.

So according to those annoying little adverts down the side of Facebook, it says i can phone Africa for 10p.
Fantastic, i'll just put that here with all the other useful things i've collected over the years, such as this motorcycle ashtray, and this inflatable dart board.

Me, sarcastic? Never.

I asked my mechanic how long he had been in the trade, and he said "340 years".
When I asked him how was that possible, he replied
"That is just the estimate".

BBC News: 'Stabbed girl had several injuries'
I wonder if they should have followed that up with, 'Stabbed girl is female'

Sky News - 'Bullying Plays Large Part In Child Suicides'
Bet it took them a while to work that one out...

BBC News - "UK sailors missing off Portugal"
Did the captain go to the mess and leave his cabin doors unlocked?