I squeezed up to the bar to get served next to a fat blonde. "You better not try and chat me up", she sneered.
I looked her up and down and said, "I was going to ask how you like your eggs in the morning, but it's obviously in a McDonalds wrapper".

Something strange just happened to me when I tried to post a joke...there was something wrong with the duplicator checker;
It Worked!

"Your ticket helps support the British film industry."
How about using some of the money to make a decent film for once?

Blind optimism, Scottish rugby's number one supporter

I was shocked to hear that Brit Akmal Shaikh has been executed in China for drug smuggling.
Where exactly in the middle east is 'Brit'?

BBC NEWS: "Inside secret Taliban Tunnels"
What a way to keep it a secret, put it on a global news website.

Im such a emotional guy, I got through a whole box of tissues while watching brokeback mountain..

Thank you 'Dateline' for letting us know that was a re-enactment. I was pretty upset your camera crew didn't stop that murder.

I love it that a lot of pubs are now putting on 'live DJ's' at the weekends.
I find them so much better than the dead variety.

"Did you know you can change your old or unwanted gold for cash with cash4gold.com?!" What kind of moron didn't know that you can sell one of the worlds most valuable precious metals before this advert was on t.v?

So, after Robbie Williams, Amy Winehouse and many others, Ricky Hatton is the latest celebrity millionaire to be suffering from depression.
I really do feel sorry for him, how lucky I am to have a totally worry free life.

Discovery channel ad breaks are quite long.There's enough time to make coffee.
That includes the growing of the beans.

Everyone's complaining about 'SOPA', so I tried going on Wikipedia to find out what it is.

If my wife ever spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless!

I was reading through a fashion magazine and one of the pages said, "Winter's coming up, find out what's hot this season!"
I thought, "Radiators."

Virgin Media offer the best customer service, They offer a choice of music you wish to listen to whilst you wait for the next 25 minutes! No other company offers you this!

Statement from Barack obama
The soldier acted alone and in no way shape or form can 1 man represent A countries views or ways of life!
Except bin laden, He represents the whole of the middle east.

My wife said, "That's the last time you'll ever call me fat as I'm walking out on you next time."
I replied, "Darling, you wouldn't really walk out on our kids."
"What kids?" she asked.
"Oh, I thought you were...

Had an interview today where I was asked what my greatest strength was.
Apparently 'only about 80kg' wasn't the answer they were looking for.

Yahoo News:
"10 restaurants where you can watch the stars"
What if it's daytime?

The wife went out for five minutes to talk to a delivery man.
She came back half an hour later and said "doesn't time fly when your talking?"
Not when your're talking to me it doesn't!

I dont like the idea of this santa guy, he has been sneaking into kids rooms and emptying his sack all over the place for generations and gets credit for it.
I try to finger one baby and ive ''gone too far.''

Fallen soldier 'was a giant among men.' read a news report.
We now have to send oversized squaddies, so U.S. Delta Force can recognize the good guys,
as Army Uniforms vs Pyjamas and Burkas seems a bit complicated for them.

To be honest i was very upset when I heard the news that Osama Bin Laden was dead, I personally think it's going to be a lot harder to say the name of Al Qaeda's No. 2 Ayman al-Zawahiri. It just doesn't have the same ring to it....

Phil Tuffnell talking about the kingdom tower: "1 Kilometer that's half a mile high"
That Phil is why you were a cricketer.