I give my wife a bottle of champagne every weekend.
Just before she goes swimming.

I have only one reason that i never use easy jet.
Just imagine that you're going on holiday and the plane crashes into a mountain and you're stuck up there with no food.
I mean would you really want to eat the kind of person that uses easy jet.

I've had my sat-nav stolen. My life lacks all direction now.

lately I've been hearing a few people complaining about driving to work in the dark and driving home in the dark.
Women.

I hate how slowly pensioners cross the road. It's just no challenge to run them over.

I can never tell whether my wife is coming or going.
She still hasn't figured out how to get the car out of neutral.

I was taking a driving lesson today, and my instructor asked, "What should you always do on a One way street?"
I said, "Look for women drivers coming down the wrong way."
He said, "Technically no, but that's a fair point."

The deadliest disease that can be spread on the London Underground...
Tuberculosis.

Did you know that for only 60 you can drive down the bus lane...

I'm a 999 operator and we had a call from a taxi driver...
"I phoned 15 minutes ago" he said, "I think I'm having a heart attack. Where is the Ambulance?"
"He's turning into the street as we speak" I replied.

Saw a sign for the A80 roadworks in Glasgow. It said, "Expect delays until September 2011".
That's a very long time to be on the motorway.

I got stranded at a French airport on my trip from Baghdad to my home town in North Wales.
I was stuck between Iraq and a hard place
to spell

I escaped from several near death experiences today.
I declined a lift from my wife and got a taxi.

I've thought up a way to make destruction derby more action packed and fun
Employ only women drivers and tell them to avoid crashing

I hate it when my girlfriend thought i was talking about her when i was actually was talking about my car.
That got us into a difficult conversation when i said that i could fit 4 guys in her and that she rides like a wild horse.

My wife said I shouldn't be allowed a driving license.
I almost spilt my beer.

Now theres Karma for you, just seen a Porsche 911 crash into the Pound shop

I feel terrible an old woman just stepped out in front of my car and I hit her, its probably going to cost over hundred pounds to get a new headlamp.

The Police stopped me for doing 130mph driving down the middle of the road,
I said to them that I was doing nothing wrong!
"How do you think that sir?" The officer asked.
"It says on the bottom of my drivers licence .......... 'Tear Along Dotted Line'!"

GOT INTO CAMBRIDGE YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!
Traffic's usually quite bad this time of year.

Women are like traffic, if there's a gap i will slip into it!!

No Aviva, I don't want you to make the other ten months of my car insurance more expensive so I get 'two months free'.

I've always wanted a 'van' in my surname. But my wife was furious when I changed it by Deed Poll though.
What exactly is wrong with Sharon Transit-Smith?

Police officer to cadet.
"It's difficult to spot the difference between a male drunk driver and a regular woman driver.
My tip is to wait till they park. If they manage to park on the second attemp then it's a drunk, any more than that then it's a woman".

My neighbour bought an oxymoron today,
A Range Rover Sport.