My sat nav packed up the other day and I got lost. Luckily I saw a fork in the road.
This enabled me to ask the driver of the cutlery lorry, which was upside down in a ditch, which way the A1 was.

saw 7 mini's on the way home. the woman sitting next to me on the bus was NOT happy.

I think chevrons are there just to keep women driving in the right direction.

I'm sat here thinking, what's the point? Why are we here? Where are we headed?
Why didn't I buy a sat nav?

I just caught a train going to London.
They're a lot heavier than they look.

I was at the airport today. The announcer said that unaccompanied bags would be destroyed so I told the wife to stay where she was.

looking for a weekend away this winter ? . . . then get yourself down to heathrow

My uncle came round to show off his new time machine.
It had a swastika on the front, bullet holes in the back and a spear sticking out of the top.
I thought; christ, that's been through the wars.

"Well Mrs Smith, it may have taken three months and a dozen lessons, but i'm delighted to say that you've finally mastered it."
"Now that you can fasten your seatbelt, we'll move on to starting the engine."

I'm fed up of the wife wrecking the tyres on the car by doing handbrake turns.
Surely after 10 years of driving she's worked out what the steering wheel does by now.

I saw a sign outside my house the other day which read "We are digging this road"
I thought to myself "Thanks, I love it too"

I had a nervous break down yesterday.
I broke down in the middle of nowere and realised I had not renewed my AA cover.

I got in a taxi last night and as usual there was Asian music blaring out the radio with a Sikh themed air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.
I wouldn't mind but the driver was a white man called Joseph.

Women can tell a lot of things about a man by what he drives.
They can obviously tell that I'm a milkman then.

I think doctor who is a bit far fetched, I mean all this time travelling he does and the monsters he meets look realistic but a doctor thats white....now thats over the top isnt it!

"If you can't see my mirrors then I can't see you"
Excellent, pull in close behind you and I'm safe to pick my nose then...

My mate has emigrated to Egypt to set up a vehicle recovery service.
He's named it "camel tow"

Why did the lorry driver cross the road?
Because his wife had left him and he wouldn't see his kids again.

Apparently Georgie Thompson from Sky Sports News has been banned from driving after a drink driving offence.
There was no alcohol involved, she just spilt her coffee as she crashed the car into a hedge.

I love living in a small village. Every night I go to the pub and buy everybody 3 pints.
Its great being the only taxi driver.

I've been trying to sell my car for weeks, but every potential buyer turns it down for the same reason.
"Sorry mate, not interested. It's got 50,000 miles on the clock."
"What's wrong with that?"
"It's quarter to three."

I used to have terrible problems with rucksacks, couldn't figure out how to wear them. But I've managed to put it all behind me now.

I told my girlfriend I was off to Wales for the weekend and she asked which way I was going to get over the River Severn.
I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it

I had an idea to design and build my own Helicopter.
It didnt take off

Being a new driver, I have being reading books on Motorways.
Apart from finding it so straight forward, its why I always seem to crash...