I was drunk so I read some sobering news and drove home.

I was walking back to the car today with my wife when she says I'm not a very good driver, I was so angry I nearly drove off without her... but I stalled the engine

My mate's got one of those cars where you only have to fill it up to double its value.
It's a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder.

A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment.
To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat.

I love giving directions.
It's right up my street

A TFL train is a lot like a condom in many ways.
They both hold millions of lives, contain disease, enter tunnels and inevitably break causing absolute mayhem.

I've got a clean driving license.
I always keep it in the little plastic sleeve.

I was stuck behind a learner driver car today. He was all over the road, driving very slow and stalling every few hundred yards...
I became worried when he pulled over to collect his student.

I ran over a child the other day in my car, he made a 'badum' sound when I hit him.
So later I ran over a child carrying a cymbal.

Rapists and aggressive drivers have the same train of thought.....
Let me in, or i'm coming in!

BBC News: Man trapped inside rubbish lorry.
Probably Polish-made and second-hand then...

I was left high and dry today.
I refused to pay the price of a drink on my Ryanair flight.

Time Travelers:
Only 93 days till last Christmas.

To say all Audi and Mercedes are so expensive, none of them come with indicators as standard.

My wife just phoned me and said, "The car won't move".
I said, "What's wrong with it?"
She said, "I'm not sure, it could be the Lamp Post on the bonnet weighing it down".

Difficult day at work today... Got in big trouble for having a wee drink on the job and lacking in productivity.
In my defence, another fire engine was only five minutes behind...

Just came home to find my flat in a total state. My TV is broken, there is debris lying all over the floor, and my wife has two black eyes and cuts on her face.
She's been playing Gran Turismo again.

I'm sick and tired of having to take a taxi when I go to work.
I hate being a taxi driver.

I was planning to take my son off the car roof hours ago.
But all the other drivers are having so much fun waving and flashing their lights at us.

I was driving through a safari park the other day and the baboons broke both wing-mirrors, scratched the paint and pulled the wipers off.
I was furious.
The cheeky git of a taxi driver tried to charge me extra for the damage.

Speeding KILLS!...but eagerly watching the clock until it trips over to the next whole thousand kills so many more...

Little Chef: Because long journeys just aren't exciting enough without diarrhoea

What's the difference between a woman and a golfer?
A golfer can drive more than 200 yards.

I felt so sorry for homeless public transport vehicles that I have set up a Bus Shelter for them.

"I don't know why you always say I'm such a bad driver," said my wife. "Everywhere I went today I had loads of men shouting 'WOW' as I drove past."
"Sorry love," I explained patiently, "that wasn't admiration: it was a warning. It stands for 'Woman On Wheels'".