A dirty old man in a grey trenchcoat flashed at me earlier.
So i raised my hand to thank him and proceeded to turn out of the junction and safely join the carriageway.

I hate it when the people behind me are driving the exact same car. Especially after I steal a police car.

I'd be a lot more inclined to "THINK BIKE" if it weren't for the fact every bike I see undertakes me at 100mph.

As it's a bank holiday weekend I decided to post a photo of my caravan on Twitter before hitching it to my car and setting off to Newquay.
I now have 15,000 followers.

Today I saw RMT leader Bob Crow standing at a bus stop, I went up and whacked him over the head.
Now HE knows what its like to have your transport plans ruined by a strike

Did you hear about the guy who tried to use his atlas to get past the tube barriers?
He thought the world was his Oyster.

After successfully building my time machine, I travelled forward to 22-12-2012, the day after the end of the Apocalypse.
What I saw frightened me, a burning, desolate, charred, dead wasteland. A sense of desolation, deep inconsolable loneliness & hopelessness washed over me.
I cried for mankind, for what we had done to ourselves & each other, for all the war, hate, anger and rage we had waged upon our planet & our fellow man. I was truly lost.
Then a chirpy little Asian voice piped up "Taxi mate?"

My navman GPS keeps getting me lost.
So it's a navwoman then.

I always observe the speed limit.
As I drive past the sign at 100mph.

Ryanair are helping to build water wells in Africa.
Problem is they are still going to be 10 miles from the village.

My wife has held her license for thirty years and never had an accident.
I may let her drive the car one day.

What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada Users Manual?
The bus and train timetables.

When travelling on public transport, keep the seat next to you free by patting it gently whilst nodding your head and smiling at anybody that looks like they are about to sit in it.

Why do they call it rush hour when everyone is driving at their slowest?

Me and my mate were reminiscing about my car that got stuck in reverse.
That took me back.

My delivery company have stuck one of those 'If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you' stickers on the back of my lorry.
Contrary to what I thought, the judge has stated its not a licence to run over blind people.

Failed my driving test today.
Apparently, seeing a woman driver is not grounds for an emergency stop.

"Air India welcomes back 'chubby' air hostesses"
The flying helmet works, I don't think they'll appreciate all the racist jokes, though.

Some kid slashed the brake line in my car, it didn't stop me!

The wife was hinting that she'd like something that rumbles between her legs.
Can't wait to surprise her with the new motorcycle I bought her!

RyanAir are a bit like pigeons; rats with wings.

My wife asked me to film her parking her new Smart car on my mobile phone.
The battery ran out after 30 minutes.

My wife walked in the house today and said, "The car wouldn't start on the way home, the engines flooded."
I said "Where's the car now?"
She said, "In the river."

1 in 8 people say they have fallen asleep at the wheel. I've always said the London Eye was boring.

I was standing on the train track, thinking why I was there. Then it hit me.