What's the difference to being run over by a train and getting an electric shock?
about 5 minutes according to my mate liam.

I did my bit for the environment today.
Which sounds a lot better than saying "I failed my driving test."

A man pressed against me, his bulging thighs pushing against mine. I could hear his saliva, swishing round his mouth. He was so close I could smell last nights beer and kebab on his breath. His arms pressed against me, I felt suffocated but still, I didn't say a word. I began to accept what was happening and just gave in to him.
Hate it when some fatty comes and sits next to you on the train...

What's with train spotters??
I saw 23 of them on my way here.

I think I'd better book my car in for a service.
The "Check Engine" light has stopped working.

Braking News: ABS is great.

3 year old girl falls through stairs while boarding aircraft.
Ryanair promise to take steps to avoid a repeat incident.

I took my car in for a service today.
You know you're day is going to get worse when the diagnostic machine starts tutting.

I was on the tube the other day & the announcer said, "Use all available doors".
Took me seven stops, but I managed it.

The Smart Car
The only car so small there's not enough room inside for you to change your mind.

I've just failed my driving test!
Apparently, cheap eggs and veg are not what you should look out for up a country lane.

I just received a text from a friend,
"I'm so nervous driving on these slippery roads."
so the obvious way to increase his safety was by texting me.

Just drove home from the pub and the police pulled me over.
I was asked to explain why I was driving on the pavement, so I was honest....I said I had no road tax!

Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

My wife has been stuck on the M25 for 2 days now.
I told her to keep going until she reaches the T junction.

I come from a broken home.
My wife reversed the car into it.

I was completely leathered last night.
I take motorcycle safety very serious.

Top tip...
When you park your car on a hill, always park it facing down, so if your handbreak fails people will think the car is being driven by a ghost.

I was on the train going to work this morning when my mobile started ringing.
It was some Paki bloke, he said, "Are you interested in changing networks?"
I said, "No thanks, I'm happy with the train I'm on.

Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling

I was booking into a cheap hotel in Liverpool when the owner asked "Do you have a good memory for faces?"
"Yes quite good" I replied.
"That's okay then" he said "Because there's no mirror in your bathroom."

My girlfriend just called to ask if she could come and crash round at my house tonight.
I told her I'd prefer it if she left her car at home.

THIS IS A CUSTOMER ANNOUNCEMENT.
The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven AND twelve has arrived sideways.

Swedish officials: Pigeons now riding the subway.
Wouldn't happen in London. The rats wouldn't stand for it.

About to pay a deposit on a well-earned holiday in the Romanian capital.
I'm going to Bucharest.