I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I love my new saloon car. Except for the stupid, flappy doors.

Following an announcement that Manchester will be bringing in a congestion charge, Liverpool has announced an extension to its own scheme to deter cars from outside Liverpool from entering the city.
Whereas Manchester and London's respective schemes are administered by Metropolitan authorities and link charge payments to improvements in public transport, the Liverpool scheme is administered by local scallies on stolen push bikes and the charge is linked to you not having your tyres slashed, windows smashed with a brick and your car radio stolen.

I've just bought an old fashioned bicycle.
It's very well-spoken.

Liverpool to London Coach Fares:
One Way - 5
Return - 3

Birmingham City Council have had a fantastic idea of how to solve the public transport issue in their City.
They're going to plant more trees.

I have just seen a young girl on a sledge
She said "can you pull me?"
I said "proabably, but I'd have to be extremely drunk"

Planes: Avoid tedious Christmas snow by going in the air.

It was my 18th birthday today and my mum asked what the best gift was she ever got me.
"Without doubt, it would have to be the time machine for my 50th," I replied.

My Mother-in-law stopped for a couple of hours yesterday.
She still hasn't worked out who has the right of way at a roundabout.

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other on a trans-atlantic flight in a Boeing 747-400. The aircraft encounters severe turbulence and the man, looking out the window at the wing bouncing around, gradually looks more and more worried.
The woman, noticing, says "Don't worry, I'm a flight attendant and this is perfectly normal."
He replies "Miss, I'm a Boeing engineer and we didn't design the wing to do what it's doing right now."

You know how they tell you to turn off all electronic devices for take-off?
Well apparently the plane itself shouldn't be turned off.
My piloting career ended before it even started.

I was flying my light aircraft when I encountered engine trouble. I had to ditch in a lake.
I was really worried at first but it was plane sailing really.

My boss is annoyed because I was late to work after being stopped by every red light on the route in.
He says I should use brothels in my own time.

Drove into a pole this morning.
Well I wasn't going to pay him for cleaning my windscreen.

The other day I made my car completely theft proof.
I slapped a Toyota badge on it.

I was pulled over by a cop and asked to show my licence and registration.
I said "Sure, just hold my phone and pint for me."

The skateboard. The preferred mode of transport for people who have nowhere to be.

I was gonna get a BMW and rang my dad who knows a bit about cars. He said, 'You can't get a German car after what your granddad went through in the war.' Now I didn't know about this but apparently, during the Second World War, my granddad had a succession of very unreliable German cars.

I just flew into Liverpool and I don't know who robbed me more; Ryanair or the Scousers on the plane.

A woman bought an old VW Beetle, she was driving along the road when it suddenly died. She opened up the bonnet and noticed there was no engine. Another VW beetle parked up and a women got out.
What's wrong?" the second lady asked the first. "I seem to have lost my engine!" replied the first lady.
"OH! How lucky", exclaimed the second lady. "This car just happened to come with a spare one in the boot!".

I was walking back from the pub last night and saw someone so drunk that they walked up to a truck, stroked the bonnet and whispered: "I know your secret, Optimus Prime"

Last week my car broke down, so I gave it a cuddle and told it everything would be okay.
It still won't start.

If I could travel through time, I'd go back, and tell everyone to stop living in the past.

I bought a black cab, it's such a friendly car.
Everywhere I drive people wave at me.