I took my hazard perception test today, it reminded me of a game I used to play on long car journeys as a child.
Spot the women driver.
I am always one to help out others, so when I saw this woman struggling to get into her car I did the gentlemanly thing and took away her keys.
I was on the bus on the way home,just staring out of the window daydreaming,when all of a sudden it ploughed into a bus stop,killing two and injuring many more,I was in absolute shock.
Im also no longer a bus driver.
My wife rang me today and said, "I think the brakes on the car are faulty."
I said, "Where's the car now?"
She said, "In the living room."
How come there are so many bus drivers called Drive?
I was going through the For Sale section of the paper and found an ad; "3 year old Beamer. 100 o.n.o."
I rang the bloke up immediately and arranged to go look at it. It ran really well so I asked him why he was selling it.
He said, "Downs Syndrome kids freak me out."
My wife gate-crashed next door's party last night.
Then she knocked over a gnome and eventually ended up in their pond.
She was attempting to reverse park the car on our drive at the time.
An Australian car will stay with you 'til the day you die. Because it's a deathtrap.
I've heard people say that the only thing you don't pay for now is fresh air.
Try pumping your tyres up at a motorway service station.
A policeman pulled me over last night.
He said, "You've clearly had too much to drink, what are you doing sitting behind the wheel?"
I said, "Trying to reverse."
He said, "You should be sitting in the seat, please get off the dashboard and step out of the car."
Two commuters meet on the tube:
"Isn't this great?" says one. "You don't have to sit at the wheel, no traffic jams, nothing to get on your nerves, no road rage, noise or stress, you're conserving the environment and you still get to work on time."
"Exactly," says the other. "By the way - when does your case come up?"
Tiger Woods drove into a tree.
No doubt waking his cousins from their slumber in the process.
They don't seem that angry to me....
I am interested in buying a caravan. However, I cannot find the one that goes with my car. If anyone owns a caravan with the license plate ME08 PSD I would like to buy it from them.
My wife was clamped today for parking on a white line.
Couldn't really argue about it a though.
It was the halfway line on a football pitch.
The Sun - "Three die in car accident as suicidal man drives into oncoming vehicle"
The word 'accident' seems somehow inappropriate.
But I'm colour blind your honor!
Is apparently 'not good enough' for why I ran seven black people over last week.
A copper pulled me over and asked "What's your name and where are you from?"
I said "Basildon"
He said "Ok, Basil, where are you from..... and how did you know my name?"
John goes to work painting white lines on the motorway with a tin of paint and a brush, after the first day he accomplishes 4 mile... later that day his boss congratulates him.
The next day John paints 2 mile of white lines... so his boss said, "yeh thats acceptable."
On the third day he only does 1/4 of a mile... the boss says, "Whats wrong you did 4 mile the first day?"
John replies, "Yeh but the tin keeps getting further away"...
My friend recently got an STI
He really wanted a WRX, but the Subaru garage didn't have any.
I've just come back from a 17th century trip in my time machine.
I'd love to tell you about it, but it's all history now.
As I was driving along the motorway I saw an overhead sign that said: "Slow down ... animals in the carriageway."
I hope they'll play "House of the Rising Sun"
A Jew's favourite method of transport Israel.
My wife came home from shopping earlier and said "I know your going to go mad because it was a few pence more, but I've just filled the car up with that new designer petrol they're selling down the road".
"Designer petrol?" I asked.
"Your not into your fashion brands are you?" she smirked. "That Diesel one".
My new dual control car has been delivered. I'm not a driving instructor.