sickophile666:
"Why are school zones 20mph?
Surely that is the optimal cruising speed for peadophiles."
Mate, stop complaining. It's nice to know someone's on our side.

He's got a brand new car,
Looks like a Jaguar,
Lets be honest, it's probably a Rover 75 isn't it.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you don't want anyone to sit next to you on the train, don't pretend to be asleep with all your gear spread about, they'll only wake you. Instead when people get on the train smile at them and pat the seat next to you. Works for me.

Young Achmed has to walk 2-3 hours in the blistering heat just to get fresh water for his family....
A 20 minute drive would do the job in my opinion...

They're proposing a high-speed rail line from Worksop to Birmingham. Why would anybody want to get to Birmingham any quicker?

I bought a new motor off a bloke yesterday, 500 quid, no questions asked.
Maybe I should've asked why it looked like a washing machine motor.

Apparently it can be really dangerous listening to the radio with your ear pressed right up against it, especially on the motorway.

I saw a road sign today that said don't talk and drive.
Do they know how hard it is to text?

What's the difference between a five-year-old and a Ferrari?
You leave the Ferrari OUTSIDE the garage, so everyone knows you've got one.

I phoned my car insurance company asking why my premiums are so high.
They gave me their email address, daytime telephone number and a 16 digit reference code.
Which wasn't easy to write down without pulling over to the hard shoulder.

I lost 6 pints of blood today in a terrible road accident. I'm sure that's the last time the transfusion service will use me as a driver.

Yesterday I was driving home when I noticed a black man holding a sign "slow down, road works ahead"
Sad really, the guy must have been cheaper than an iron pole.

I went to the time travelers seminar tomorrow.
If it's any good, I'm definitely going back yesterday.

Whats the difference between Terminal 5 and Kate & Gerry McCann ?
Terminal 5 loses things we care about.

I bought half a mast today. It was a 50% SAIL.

I saw a woman driving a van earlier and it had a sign on the back that read 'How's my driving?' so I thought, I'll call it for a laugh,
Engaged.

76% of all road accidents involve a child.
That is because adults know that no one can win 'Chicken'

'Warrington' is actually an anagram of 'Wrong train'.
Which is quite fitting, seeing as that's probably the only reason most people ever go there.

My new hobby:
Going for the high-score on those 'Your speed is->' signs.

Today i rode a virgin for 2.5 hours. Had to stop every now and again, but just kept on going. It was a squeeze to get in and it was unbelievably tight throughout. Eventually i "arrived" and i felt a great sense of relief.
I love trains.

Smart Cars. Giving False hope in car parks since 1998..

Britain's airports have been badly hit by snow and ice, meaning hundreds of flights have been grounded
Why has no one ever thought of making Indoor Airports

Fool your mates into thinking you can tell the future, by getting your time travelling friend to tell you what happens.

if you hit me at 30 mph there is a 80% i'll live
if you hit me at 40 mph there is a 80% i'll die
THINK!
Hit me at 70 and nothing will happen.