Major car collision on Spaghetti Junction: 12 injured, 4 pasta way.
Whats the definition of a tree?
Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
Good gag for next time you're on an airplane and the fella next to you falls asleep:
Ask the stewardess to borrow her demonstration mask, put it on and shake him awake with an alarmed look on your face.
Did you hear about the man who opened a yacht showroom?
Sales went through the roof.
Just spent ages waxing the car.
Still not sure how it gets that hairy.
I saw a sign today that read: Tiredness kills, take a break.
So I pulled over and went to sleep.
When I woke up I felt great and was ready to drive again.
I was 5 hours late for work though.
I let my wife take me out for a drive in the countryside today. We were going down a quiet country lane when she said, "Shall we do something we've never done in the car before?"
I said, "Go on then, bang it into fourth gear."
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
I went back to the 1970's in a time machine yesterday.
I say a time machine, I mean the 18:15 from Paddington to Cardiff.
My wife picked me up from work on Friday. She surprised me with a romantic weekend away in Paris.
It was like a little adventure! Driving on the wrong side of the road and having people beeping their horns and shouting insults in foreign langauges.
But she somehow managed to get through London and arrived at Heathrow.
Really freak people out by running up to them in the street screaming "What year is it?!"
When they tell you, scream "Yes, it actually worked! Now you must help me kill the horses before it's too late!"
I love the look on people's faces, standing soaked in the rain at the bus stop as I drive past.
It's partly why I became a bus driver.
I saw a lorry turned over and ablaze today. The driver was trapped in the cab and as flames began to lick at his feet, he screamed, "Quick, there's an extinguisher in the back."
As I walked away with it I thought, "What a generous bloke."
When I was leaving the pub yesterday I decided that I was in no condition to drive home.
But then I realised I couldn't trust my judgement. I was drunk.
Don't be fooled by those home breathalyser kits that test whether you're safe to drive.
I got a green light, and I don't even have a driving license.
I went to visit my wife in hospital after she got run over by a car.
She said she felt tyred and exhausted.
What do you get if you cross a motorway with a flock of sheep?
A flock of dead sheep.