What with all the alcohol involved and the general stereotype about pilots being drunkards, naturally I was a bit anxious to board the plane this morning.
Imagine my delight when I found out my pilot was a devout Muslim!

Well at least we now know what BMW stands for.
Brakes Might Work.

I see you can now get a 100 on-the-spot fine if you're caught undertaking.
That's the end of my funeral business.

Toyota's Marketing Department are putting a positive spin on it's recalled cars by calling it their, "Kamikaze Line."

I got pulled over the day because I'd doctored my "Baby On Board" sign.
Apparently "Maddie In Boot" is not acceptable.

For a laugh I like to park my DeLorean outside Ladbrokes then go in and ask them if I can place a bet on when time travel will be discovered.

Dutch scientists claimed this week that one cup of coffee could prevent drivers from crashing.
Just Buy a large latte from Starbucks and you won't be able to afford any petrol.

I told my wife if she got our old Delorean up to 80mph she'd go back in time.
How I laughed as the police shot out her tyres after a 2 hour chase
Everyone knows it's 88mph.

Drivers, If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

My wife told me I was having a 'mid-life crisis' earlier.
I nearly fell out my Subaru.

I don't gamble..........so i hit her at at 120 mph

I am a really nervous flyer. So on a recent flight from Beirut in stormy weather you can imagine my relief when, shortly after take off, the pilot announced it would be plane sailing from here.

BBC News: Ryanair investigate after 3 year old falls from boarding steps
Yeah, Ryanair now want to charge the little girl's parents 5 for her "thrill ride".

I drove into London today and cut up a couple of cyclists at a busy junction.
My new combine harvester works a treat.

I just stopped at a junction to let a paki cross, he stood and waved for me to go,
I waved again for him to go, he wouldn't cross.
He must have thought I was going to run him over.
Can't fault his judgement.

Lift nozzle to begin fuelling.
Maximum amount 99.00
Minimum delivery 2 litres.
This gives me a window of about an eighth of a second.

I've just seen a Hovis wagon lose control and smash straight through the front of a house.
The bloke behind the wheel obviously wasn't using his loaf. He's pretty lucky not to be brown bread.

I've just found out that my next door neighbours cat is the same width as one of my tyres.

Everytime the wife's out of the way, I give my 8 year old, Harley, a good ridin' and after years of punishment, she's still as tight as ever. It's that feeling of complete power and sense of danger that gets me going.
Man I love bikes.

Hit me at 40 and there's an 80% chance i'll die
Hit me at 30 and there's an 80% chance i'll live
Hit me at 70 ... and it serves me right for trying to cross the motorway

CBS: 41% of drivers admit to having fallen asleep at some point
Either people are lying or 59% of drivers are insomniacs

"Please just remember that you can't bring anything sharp onto the aeroplane."
"Oh, I guess I'll leave my wit at home then."

Ladies and gentlemen,
Welcome to Ryanair, the following message includes essential information needed for your survival in case of an accident.
If you would like to hear this message please insert 5

A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway. Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady, who was driving, was knitting.
Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO', the young lady yelled back, 'IT's A SCARF!'

Let buses pull out.
And help reduce the mini-bus population.