My train company has put the cost of my season ticket up by 300.
I wasn't going to stand for that but all the seats were taken....

Saw a white painted jet today.
Was kinda plane...

My girlfriend ditched me earlier... that's the last time I let her drive.

My friend went for a run today and got killed by a careless driver. Runways have such a misleading name.

A businessman was having real trouble getting a very heavy and lumpy bag onto the aircraft and into the overhead compartment. It took two stewards to help him, and once it was up and secure one steward asked breathlessly 'Do you always travel with such heavy and awkward luggage?' He replied 'Oh no, sometimes it's my turn to be in the bag...'

I think deploying the army to help Olympic security may be a ploy to help us win more medals. Our record with foreigners, armed security and the London underground, isn't the best around.

Whilst we were driving home I was trying to show my wife the correct use of the throttle.
It's by far the best way to shut the kids up.

I shouted at our female postie this morning.
"Get out of that driving seat! It's a Mail Van."

Two blondes were sat in traffic on the road.
One says "It's normally much quicker than this."
"Last time we got a lift with Dave though." the driver replies.
"What's that got to do with it?" says the first.
"Well, he knew how to make the engine start."

Just bought myself a new French car, it's very nice but I can't figure out how to get it out of reverse.

My wife drives exactly the same way as she did when she was learning.
She did a crash course.

I couldn't believe it when my girlfriend ditched me yesterday.
I knew it was a bad idea giving her driving lessons.

At the bus stop this morning I saw a gentleman getting more and more agitated the later his bus was. He tutted, started checking his watch and grumbled under his breath. I began to wonder how angry he'd be at the driver when two of the same bus came along at once.
He went off on one.

Just driven past a garage and saw a sign that read "cars bought for cash"
Shame that, all I want is a couple of magic beans for mine

What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?
Reg.

I was following a BMW down the road today when suddenly, it veered to the left, mounted the pavement & mowed down a bunch of school kids.
I was gobsmacked, things happened so fast, there was no indication at all

30% of car accidents in sweden involve reindeer.....
Easy solution, ban them from driving..

I had a job interview at London Midland today. I walked into the room then straight out.
They got that impressed that I was asked if I could start immediately

I was driving along the other day and I saw a sign saying 'Keep your eyes on the road'.
I'm sat there thinking, how can I keep my eyes on the road if I'm reading the sign?

Some people say my Altima looks like me.
A G that got beat with the ugly stick.

My girlfriend is like the Tube on a weekday.
Dirty, overused, and people pay money and wait in queues to get into her.

My boss said. "You've been early every day this year so far. I take it the traffic jam issues you had last year are gone?"
"Yeah, I traded in my car."
"For public transport? Good man."
"For an ambulance."

I drive a steam roller.
Most people prefer a petrol or diesel engine, but I wanted my Rolls Royce to be unique.

There was an Asian guy working on airport security when I checked in earlier today.
So I strip searched him and put him through the metal detector before sending him on his way.

When approaching a zebra crossing on foot, always sniff back some snot into the back of your throat. That way, you're always well-equipped, should a driver decide not to stop.
Works especially well with top-down convertibles.