There's no future in time travel.
I went to a hotel the other day. I like the way they leave little notes in the room, like on the dressing gown: 'if you like this dressing gown, you can purchase one at the reception desk.' I like to leave messages back: 'if you want people to buy these dressing gowns, don't leave a free one in the bathroom.'
ITN News: Plane leaves runway at Newcastle Airport.
You'd certainly hope so, how else was it going to reach its destination, by road?
Ryanair have caused controversy by announcing flights to New York for only seven quid.
But, typical of Ryanair, they will be landing just outside of New York
A motorbike is great for quickly getting to the front of queues.
The other people in the post office are always terrified though.
Just drove past one of those billboards asking if I'd rather see a speed camera or a bunch of flowers by the roadside.
Obvious really: flowers don't take my license and look much prettier too!
Whenever I set the voice on my sat nav to 'Bon Jovi' it just keeps telling me "We're half way there".
My daughter got picked up for her first driving lesson today by a female driving instructor.
Well, if that makes sense then I'm going to give Stephen Hawking a ring and see how much he charges for tap-dancing lessons.
The government have announced new anti-terror laws that will ban trainspotting.
I don't think this will stop them.
If anything, it will just force them underground.
I took my car to the garage today.
"It looks like your belt is knackered mate"
"Really?" I said "how do you know?"
"Your trousers are on the floor."
Just watching a program about the HMS Invincible.
Does that sound a bit like a challenge to you too?
Just spent two days looking for wreckage from the Air France plane, couldn't see any, Google Earths not that good.
A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future, and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020
The Hilton Hotel Group have launched a new promotion; they allow guests to keep their pillow and pillow case that shows the famous Hilton crest.
"It's been a great success," a spokesperson said, "we figured if you stuff a pillow in your suitcase, you won't have room for bedsheets, towels, bathrobes, toilet rolls..."
Did you hear that Diana was on the radio?
And on the dashboard, the windscreen and the bonnet
Motorists are being advised not to travel in this bad weather unless absolutely necessary - well that's ruined my plans for the day, I was going to drive 200 miles to the M25, do a couple of laps then back home.
The wife and I had a lovely drive out to a country pub yesterday but, while we were there, I had rather a lot to drink. Well, it's better to be safe than sorry...
...so I still drove us home.
A hunter is stalking in the jungle when he finds a beautiful young woman naked on a blanket. He stares at her intently, then says, "Are you game?"
"I sure am," she purrs.
So he shoots her.
ALWAYS GO THE EXTRA MILE
Unless you own a Toyota in which case you'll just keep going until the petrol runs out.
As I came off the M6 into Keele Services this morning I noticed a sign that said "End of Motorway Regulations".
So I took my seatbelt off and drove round the car park at 97 miles an hour texting my mates.
I have just got out of prison for 5 years and my first thought was to get back my car I left with the VW garage to be repaired a few days before I got arrested.
I went and explained my situation.
"It will be ready Thursday" I got told.
I booked a hotel on the internet. It was advertised as being only a stone throw from the beach. I got there and all the windows were smashed.
The train dropped me off right outside my house today.
I'm going to pull the emergency handle more often in the future.
I keep losing my focus at work lately.
My secretary has to keep reminding me where I parked.
Whenever I see a kid in a wheelchair, it makes me a little sad because I always think, "Gee, they could have used those same wheels to make a bike for a regular kid."
What a waste.