That's the last time I ever hire a black kid for my business.
He strutted in this morning on his first day and I asked him "So, have you got a P45 with you?"
"Nah, blud!" He replied, "I carry a .9mm."

It feels like just yesterday when I got sacked for being useless with dates.
When in fact it was two days ago.

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I've gotta say, I really enjoyed Bank Holiday Monday yesterday.
Not sure if my boss did, though. He seems furious with me for some reason.

I put up 'No Smoking' signs for a living.
I don't do it for the good of my health.

This dodgy looking guy started work in my office today. He demanded he occasionally work 40 hours sporadically across 7 days.
He's a bit shifty.

I used to design mazes...
But it was a dead-end job.

One of my employees asked me, "What do I enter to get an outside line?"
"6517," I replied.
"Nope, that doesn't work," he said.
"That's the code to get out of the building. There's a phone box across the road."

As if my job as a zookeeper wasn't stressful enough,
Now the Emperor Penguins are trying to turn me to the dark side!

I arrived at work looking morbidly depressed.
My boss said to me, "James, I can see that you're in a really bad place right now."
"I know I am", I replied, "I'm at work."

I saw a girl with a poster that read: Diagnosed with Bipolar. Can't work. Please help.
I told my mate not to give her anything, she might not be happy about it.

I've decided to become a dustman. I think i can handle only working Tuesdays.

The boss asked me why i was late coming into work the other day.
I told him I was reading my biography during breakfast when jam dropped all over my book and my hand. It took me half an hour to sort the mess.
And that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

Is there a lack of jobs in britain? Lets see what the poles have to say...

A boss gets back to the office from his lunch and precedes to tell everyone a few 'great' jokes he heard whiles out. Everyone is roaring in laughter as he tells his 'great' jokes except one man, who just sits there barely moving a muscle on his face.
"What's the matter with you?" the boss asks. "Feeling under the weather?"
"No sir," the man replies. "It's just I don't need to laugh, I'm leaving on friday."

Mobile internet -
Trebling the time of toilet breaks at work since 2004.

I lost my job last week but I'm not too upset as I went out the way I came in.
Fired with enthusiasm.

I'm sick of getting the same shift's every week in my job as a CB operator.
10-4.

I fell asleep in work today, and my boss found me.
Instead of waking me up, he put a sticky note on my chest.
It read, "As long as you're asleep, you've got a job. But as soon as you wake up, you're fired!"

I work in an electronics component factory and yesterday I had to ban all the woman from wearing bras with under-wires.
I don't work in health and safety, I'm just a perv.

I'm watching a programme about customs at Sydney airport. The officer is expressing concerns that some black guy is going to try and find work when he enters the country.
Ha ha - you gotta love that Aussie sense of humour.

My boss came up to me at work today and said "Dave i'm not sure this company could survive without you,
but as from monday we are going find out.".

My girlfriend asked me a question "what do you do as a job". I said "if I tell I would have to kill you".
So I killed her.

I was sat on the school bus when I noticed Kelsey Jones the hottest girl in year 10. I sat next to her and started to work my magic but to my surprise the driver kicked me off saying I was sick, Apparently catchin the schoolbus to work is not allowed.

I got sacked from my job because of what I pinned up on the public noticeboard.
My boss.