Everyday working in the chainsaw factory i seemed to accidentally cut off my own body parts. First my arms, then my legs and then even my torso!?
Enough was enough and i decided to quit while i was ahead.

My wife drove me to work today and dropped me off at the construction site. She said:
"Make sure you wear your helmet!"
I replied:
"It's a bit late for that, we're here now"

Got into work this morning the boss said, "I've got an axe to grind with you."
I wasn't worried though. I work in a tool sharpening company.

Commuters, give away the sad fact that your life consists of nothing but repetetive routine by standing at the exact point on the platform where the subway train doors will open

I've really been pushing the envelope at work lately.
I'm a Postman

My boss accused me of never fighting my own battles.
Wait till my wife hears about this.

Anyone else asked the boss to come in to work early so in return you can leave early to watch the England match?
Me too.... its just a coincidence that its the perfect time to get home to watch all the kids leaving school.

Save money on petrol by quitting your job.

I think my friend has done far too many drugs.
He's just sent his CV off to the Police........
To become a sniffer dog.

Job : A place where you work just hard enough to avoid getting fired, while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting.....

My boss believes in an open door policy.
Too bad its the door to the toilet.

I drove my wife to work this morning.
I don't know why, I usually take the car.

Yesterday, I got sent home from my first day at work on a building site for not wearing a mask whilst I was using an angle grinder
Today I got sent home for looking like Ronald Reagan.
I wish they would make their minds up.

I got a big cash bonus at work today.
My boss dropped his wallet.

Went past the local council estate the other day and saw the most comprehensive set of inflatable Christmas figures, lights and all manner of huge decorations.
I thought to myself 'Wow, they must have needed a day off work to do all that!' and then I thought 'Oh...'.

They say that to enjoy your work you should make your hobby your job.
I don't agree, my hobby is pot holing, but I hate being Jordan's gynecologist.

I've just got myself a job for life... replacing the pitch at Wembley.

I just got the call telling me that I failed my Electrician's exam.
I nearly died of shock.

Ever been so tired at work that people thought you were drunk?
I hope so because thats the only excuse I have for being drunk at work.

I use to work at a tea shop, but I quit because I felt there was something brewing.

"As a human being,you should feel proud that you are top of the food chain."
Is what i said to myself as i got promoted at Macdonalds.

I was really proud at my first day at work. I layed about 30 bricks. Which is quite impressive considering the only food I had last night was a vindaloo.

I've just got a new job collecting rubbish from the local area.
I burgle charity shops.

I've started working for a company that produces Punch and Judy shows.
I made a few suggestions to modernise the show, using new technology and cgi,
Unfortunately the boss likes to pull all the strings.

I walked out on my job at the council this morning.
I don't mind a bit of gardening, I can even manage some litter picking, but road marking...
That's where I draw the line.