This hot girl from work phoned me earlier today saying 'Look, i dont want to jump to conclusions but it feels like you are stalking me... so can i talk to you about it when we get into work?'
I think she has a thing for me to be honest, after all she phoned me straight after waking up. Even before she went for a shower....

I once had a dangerous mission driving a tank across Africa.
25 tropical fish in 50 litres of water could have fed a village for a month.

I was watching that programme last night 'Confessions of a Traffic Warden'
When the potential dangers a job include; 'Adverse Weather' and 'Drive-By Shootings' in the same list, at what point do you think, maybe this job isn't for me?

Got this ''Child labour awareness'' wristband.
Best to keep them busy.

I went for a job start interview at the Job Centre today.
I was asked, "What have you taken from your previous job which you could give to a future employer?"
Apparently, three grands worth of Stolen office equipment wasn't the kind of answer he was looking for.

I used to work as a statue at the storytellers club but they told some really moving stories.

"I applied for a job at a sun-cream factory," I told my mate.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Didnt get it."
"What are you going to do?"
"Re-apply," I said.

As an pet shop owner I find that the current job market means that I'm innundated with CVs whenever I put a job advert in the Job Centre.
I don't actually have any jobs available but I've really saved money on cat litter.

I've developed a simple and guaranteed way of getting a pay rise.
I call it, "Doing less work".

Bit of hardwork never killed anyone.
...Except my nan when i forced her to paint my house.

Gynecology-Turn your hobby in to a job

I am in the air force parachute regiment.
Yesterday I went on my first mission, which was dropping in over a war-torn country.
As I fell
30,000ft
20,000ft
10,00ft
5,000ft
I pulled the cord.
My kagool tightened.

I'm so excited about starting my new job on monday. I spoke to the boss today and he told me all about the roles I'll be expected to fill.
I must admit, I never thought I'd end up working at Subway.

I got a job at my local garage changing wheels,
It's quite tiring

I got the sack from a kids mask factory the other day.
I just sat around, making faces.

My boss called me into his office today and said, "I've just gone over your sales figures, and they're not what I expected. You told me you could sell snow to the Eskimo's when you applied for the job."
I said, "I can, but we don't get many Eskimo's coming in to buy snow in Currys."

I put the cat amongst the pigeons at work today.
Got me the sack from the bird sanctuary.

I hate having to go down to the Jobcentre- I'm surrounded by people who are lazy, have no skills, stink of booze and are content to live off the taxpayers teat.
And then we have to open up and deal with all the unemployed people.

I'm taking my boss to court.
I'm his chauffeur.

I felt too ill to make it to my work at the Samaritan so rang in sick to explain I couldn't come in.
They convinced me otherwise.

A Union boss is telling his son a bedtime story
"Once upon a time and a half...."

As I got in from work last night, the wife said:
"Everything alright love, did you have a good day?"
"I think I've made a mistake" I replied, "I was really rude with my boss earlier."
"Oh no, what did you call him?" she asked.
"Nothing" I said, "I rimmed him in the stationary cupboard."

Turned up with greasy hair smelling of BO to my job interview .
Macdonalds hired me straight away

My boss called me today to say I was losing my post at the sorting office.
I thought I hadn't been getting much recently.

As long as my boss wants to pretend that I get paid well, I'll keep pretending to work.