I wasn't happy with my model girlfriend.
She didn't come with instructions.
My boss sat me down in his office this morning and said he was gonna have to let me go.
It took six police marksmen and a hostage negotiator, but we got there in the end.
I have a habit of sleeping in too late and missing work, so my doctor recommended that I sleep in a herb garden.
At first it sounded odd, but I did wake up on thyme.
Hard work never killed anyone.
Except for all those people who died doing the job they loved.
After 8 years of working hard for the same company, I'm now on more money and I work less hours!
Or, "claiming benefits" as some people call it.
I was out playing golf yesterday when my boss rang to ask why I wasn't at work.
I said "I'm on a course."
He replied "Oh, that's okay then."
Whenever somebody asks me what I do for a living, I tell them I work in P.R.
Fortunately for me, they usually change the subject before I finish spelling out I.M.A.R.K.
A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?"
He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it's my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
What's the worst thing about your work's xmas party??
Looking for another job the next day
Theres a Job for that
I left work an hour early today.
"Where you going with that parachute?" Asked my co-pilot.
"Wake up! Wake up!" My boss said as he found me asleep at my work desk.
"Sir, I was having the craziest dream that I was getting fired for sleeping on the job!"
He smiled as he handed me a hefty bonus cheque.
"Nonsense, you're the best pillow tester we've ever had!"
I've just had dealings with the Monopolies Commission.
Came away with an iron, a top hat and a racing car.
I've had the same job for 10 years now. I really enjoy it but I only take home 12k a year for my family to survive on.
I blow the other 38k on drugs and hookers.
I slept in for work again today.
When I got in, my boss called me into his office, shut the door and said, "If you're this keen on having lie-ins, you'll have plenty of them to look forward to in the near future!"
What a sound guy. I'm not even going to bother setting my alarm tonight.
I went to a job interview the other day, the lady said she wanted to ask me a few questions,
Lady - "Question one, do you suffer from black outs?"
Me - "Not that I know of"
Lady - "and finally question ten"
I just seen a job advertised on the directgov website
-PIPE FITTERS MATE
I'm gonna go for it, one of my mates is a pipe fitter.
It's amazing how many people are called Sarah Connor.
It makes my job as a debt-collector much more fun.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job
I have to stay on the right side of my boss, not because he's got a temper, he's just deaf in his left ear.
My old man always said, the day I can't do my job drunk is the day I turn in my badge and gun.
I hate being a Window cleaner
I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in...
My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read:
"I'm the Boss!"
He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:
"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
This morning my boss caught me in my office sniffing my secretary's chair before she came in.
It wouldn't have been too bad had I not tried to get out of it by saying i had a line of cocaine racked up on there.