I told my careers advisor, that as a keen traveller, I'd like something that would involve spending a lot of time on the road.
I'm now a lollipop man.

My boss Mr Iced new born infant has recently died after its pushchair slid onto a frozen pond and he has asked me to pick out the music to play at its funeral.
Looking back i may have missed the opportunity to make quite funny joke.

While you were eating your turkey dinner today, I hope you spared a moment to think about those who are cold and alone this Christmas.
Working.
And only getting time and a half.

I've always aspired to be a social worker.
It's a step up from my current position as 'sewer rat'.

You know a change of career may be long overdue when you see your face on a wanted poster for the 'Is it in yet ?' rapist

I'm starting to get annoyed with my boss, he keeps asking me to give him a hand for a minute or sometimes even an hour.
I'm thinking about quitting work at the watch repair shop.

I applied for a job as a builder.
At the interview, the employer said, "Here, you will have to fill this out before you can work for us."
He then handed me over a shirt.

Excuse me if I sound rude, but if your greatest achievement in the world of work has been getting a job as a careers advisor, then the very last thing I would ever want from you is advice on my career.

I recently got a job as Werewolf. It's only part time.

Hmm... Revising...
There's quite a bit to learn in Biology...
But that's life, I guess...

I got the order from head office, to fire three of my staff.
I wrote out the letters of redundancy, and sent them to the unlucky ones.
One particular girl would not go quietly, and burst into my office upon hearing the news.
"How can you just fire me? I've worked here for 12 years! I've barely ever taken a sick day, and I work my hardest every day."
I said to her, "Hold on now, imagine you were in my position for a second....
Feels good not worrying about finding a new job, doesn't it?"

The minute I caught my wife in bed with my boss I thought straight away pay rise for me

In our office at work the boss has told us to start "thinking outside the box" whenever we do a presentation, although I got sacked the first time I did.
The family were horrified when their grandfather was just left in a heap next to the coffin.

My former employer phoned me up the other day and said he really needed my expertise once again. They had a problem with one of their machines and they had tried everything possible to try and solve it, but to no avail.
Reluctantly I took the job. I spent a whole day studying the problem. Finally I marked a small "x" in chalk on part of the machine and said "this is where your problem is". They replaced that part and it solved their problem, and so I sent them an invoice for 10000.
They demanded an itemised bill showing how I calculated the cost, so I sent them a new invoice:
One chalk mark: 1
Knowing where to put it: 9999

Boasting about having 5 stars on your employee badge at McDonald's, is like boasting about having trainers with laces instead of Velcro.

A bloke at work said to me earlier "You haven't done a days work in your life", When I sit and think of it, He is so right, Since leaving school 20 years ago I have only ever worked the night shift.

Was telling the joke about the house that burnt down to a fireman the other day.
He had to be there.

I gave up my job making stationary equipment, the work wasn't going anywhere.

Wacky Tie Tuesdays, Hawaiian Shirt Wednesdays, Silly Hat Thursday...
And I get the sack for Nude Fridays.

I got sick of my boss's always saying, "Hey, we don't pay you to sit there all day chatting."
So now I work in a call centre.

When I'm at work, I do the work of two men...
...It's just a shame those two men are Laurel & Hardy.

Definition of Irony: Going the Job Centre to sign on and being told to come back tomorrow as they are short staffed.

Boss: "I'm concerned about your drinking problem."
Me: "I'm concerned about my job problems. That's why I drink."

I think Andy Carroll should get a signing on fee.
85 pound every fortnight.

I've been overlooked for the vacant managers position at my sealife center again, but now instead of fishtank supervisor, I've been made Crab supervisor.
I think I'm being moved sideways.