Work Joke

Boss: Why aren't you working?
Me: There's nothing to do.
Boss: Well, pretend that you're working.
Me: Wouldn't it be easier if YOU pretended I was working?

Work Joke

Affairs in the workplace.
Putting the secret into secretary.

Work Joke

I just got fired from my job at the abattoir. Apparently I took too much pleasure in killing small defenceless animals.
So I got a new job in a Bradford abortion clinic.

Work Joke

I had to deliver a parcel to the surgery today.
It was just what the doctor ordered

Work Joke

I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

Work Joke

I quit my job as a gas man today.
Too much pressure.

Work Joke

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, "You've been promoted."
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said, "You've been promoted again."
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said, "You're managing director."
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said, "What happened to you?"
And I said, "I careered off the road."

Work Joke

Being a prison guard has to be the easiest job ever.
I mean, who's going to steal a prison?

Work Joke

I've landed a job talking to oriental immigrants about their future employment prospects.
I'm a Korea Advisor.

Work Joke

The recruitment consultant asked me, "What do you think of voluntary work?"
I said, "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Work Joke

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels
He's the Spokesman.

Work Joke

I refuse to let my son become a mime. It's frightening how many of them end up on the street.

Work Joke

Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

Work Joke

I said to my wife this morning, "You look like death"
She said, "I haven't done my make up yet!"
I said, "That doesn't really explain the hooded cloak and scythe"

Work Joke

My wife went for a job interview to work at an old people's home.
She got the job and when she came home she wasn't really bothered.
I don't think she cares.

Work Joke

There's a mixed-race lad at work.
He only works half a day.

Work Joke

My boss just caught me day dreaming and told me to get back to work.
I will... just have to feed the unicorns first.

Work Joke

I've left school now so I had a discussion with my careers adviser.
But I couldn't help but think, "If you're a careers adviser, where did you go wrong?"

Work Joke

I was in a job interview today, the interviewer asked, "Have you ever had to think on your feet?"
I said, "Yes, quite often I find myself wondering where to sit down?"

Work Joke

I dig graves for a living.
It wasn't a planned career, I just fell into it.

Work Joke

I love being a maze designer.
I get completely lost in my work.

Work Joke

I went for a job as a handyman.
"Can you lay bricks?"
"No"
"Can you plaster?"
"No"
"Can you do any carpentry?"
"No"
"Then why are you handy?"
"I only live round the corner"

Work Joke

If tennis players get 'Tennis elbow' and squash players get 'Squash Knees', do gynecologists get 'Tunnel Vision?'

Work Joke

I keep seeing these signs reading, "Make money at home in your spare time." I thought, "What a great idea!"
It turns out that's illegal, and it's called counterfeiting.

Work Joke

Confuse German barstaff by asking for a lager in English, but saying please in German.