I love my job. Colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge - I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie. How cute!

It's always good to find out you're going to be working from home, unless you're a fireman.

I couldn't believe it when one of my employees told me that I didn't take workplace bullying seriously.
But I gave him an official Crybaby Form to fill in anyway.

I'm planning a remake of 'The Never Ending story'.
It starts with me asking my wife, "How was work?"

I can remember my teacher telling me, I wouldn't amount to anything if I carried on with my compulsive lying.
Proved him wrong, I got a job as a Weatherman.

Managed to get rid of my mean boss yesterday after he had a heart attack in the office.
If only he'd allowed personal calls on company time, I'd have phoned him an ambulance.

I went to a job interview Friday and I demonstrated my amazing ability to fart the national anthem.
The bloke laughed so much I offered him the job.

Give a man a job and you have an employee.
Teach a man how to shift blame and you have a manager.

My boss called me into his office earlier.
He said, "Do you think it's acceptable to stagger into work at 11am stinking of booze?"
I said, "Yeah, go for it mate."
I'm now unemployed.

Have you ever wondered how stupid a balloon seller feels in the high street when he's down to his last balloon?

I quit my job last week at the helium factory.
I just didn't like being spoken to in that tone of voice.

What do you call Postman Pat on the dole?
Pat.

So there I was at work, bashing one out all morning.
Then, after lunch, it hit me: you have to hold down the shift key to get an exclamation mark!

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss's wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

The new 'Dark' Mars bar;
I tried one but then found I could only rest and play.....

I used to have a job at a stationary firm, but i resigned....
...as i felt it wasn't going anywhere...

I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs.
We haven't had a single customer.

They say that Air Traffic Controllers and Dentists have the highest suicide rates of any other professions.
Really? I would've gone with Suicide Bombers.

My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes Pete."
I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later."
He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."

Tip for out of work actors:
Pretend you have some work, and hey presto, you're working.

I got wheel clamped parked outside the bank today. My boss went mental.
He says I'm the worst getaway driver he's ever had.

I saw a sign today that read: Tiredness kills, take a break.
So I pulled over and went to sleep.
When I woke up I felt great and was ready to drive again.
I was 5 hours late for work though.

What is it about people who repair shoes that makes them so good at cutting keys?

My boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

A guy at work asked, "Do you watch the Apprentice?"
I said, "Thank god, I'm not the only one, I actually found myself sneaking in to watch her on the toilet last week."
I'm off down the job centre in the morning.