Am I the only one who secretly relishes being ill at home so I can see what I look like with a moustache?

'So tell me, Mrs. Smith,' asked the interviewer, 'have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?'
'Actually, yes,' said the applicant modestly. 'Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel.'
'Very impressive,' he commented, 'but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.'
Mrs. Smith explained brightly, 'Oh, that was during office hours.'

The reason bones work?
They're white.

My mate told me that since he'd started wearing a shirt and tie to work, people took him far more seriously.
The other brickies just laughed at me when I tried it.

There's a fine line between genius and genfinelineius.

Wherever there is an evil dictator, you'll always find a miserable typist.

My missus asked me why I am always wasting my time watching the TV.
She thinks I should go and find a job so we can get the electric turned back on.

A boss gave a mini skirt to his secretary as her 1st month's salary.
In 2nd month he was impressed by her work and raised the 1st months salary.

My new boss asked if I wanted to go get some Chinese for lunch. I replied, "Absolutely.... wait, you mean food, right?" He awkwardly said, 'yes'.
I can't imagine what people who don't get my type of humor must think about me.

I'm hired as a morale booster at work, but things aren't going too well at the moment.
The huge 'Arbeit Macht Frei' sign outside the office door hasn't had the desired effect...

I went to see my boss today and said, "I think we have a communication problem."
He replied, "You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago."

Construction worker "killed by a block of concrete that dropped from a crane."
This wouldn't have happened if he was wearing his hard hat and high-visibility vest.

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Mathematics higher tier paper 1.
Question 1: If a builder works 40 hours a week at 11.50 an hour, what's the probability he will be replaced by a Polish man?

My boss said, "Because of your tireless efforts over the last year, I'm gonna have to let you go."
"Why?"
"Because it's a tire company."

I made an unfortunate typo in my written application for a raise from my black boss.
Sadly, I didn't get any extra monkey.

Tell your boss what you really think of him and the truth shall set you free.

Always be frank with your boss.
That way when you screw up, Frank gets the blame.

Talking to the manager yesterday, I said, "Boss, I'd like a day off for my mother-in-law's funeral."
"So would I," he said, "but the old cow isn't even ill."

Word of advice when at a job interview "A hip flask and some snacks" is not a good answer to the question "what will you bring to this job?"

On a recent job application, the form said
'If you could give our business a new slogan, what would it be?'
So I wrote, 'Pigs Might Fly'.
I didn't get the job with the Police helicopter unit.

I was talking with all the grunts in the army when a sergeant major came up asking what we were discussing.
I replied "Excuse me but this is a private conversation."

I've been selected for a 'Random Drugs Test' at work.
I hope I get something hallucinogenic to help me get through today.

I started my first day at a new job today. The boss said he wanted me to be a professional.
So I jumped through a window.

There are lots of people getting fired where I work.
Mind you, I do work at a crematorium.