Never drink coffee in the middle of the day at work
I tried it once and it kept me awake all afternoon!

I was accused of stealing and fired from my job at the mirror shop today.
"Don't worry" I said, "I'll see myself out."

I called my boss this morning and said, "Sorry, but I'm going to be a bit late."
"How late?"
"24 hours."

My first day in my new office job didn't go too well today.
I think the main reason was they hadn't actually offered me the job.

I handed in my notice at work today.
I got rather bored of holding up that "Golf Sale" sign all day.

I wait for no man...
Which is why I was fired from my job as a bus driver.

So far in my new job, I've saved two babies from certain death.
The head of the abortion clinic has given me my final warning.

You know your having a busy day when all you can do is stare at Sickipedia homepage while repeatedly hitting refresh....

Me and my Army mates were complaining about our commanding officers.
It was more of a General moan, nothing Major.

After changing my interview technique, I'm confident this morning's meeting will result in a job.
I lied about everything.

I used to work at the Jenga factory.
It wasn't a steady job.

My work colleagues organised a big farewell party for me today.
I was shocked. I didn't even know I'd been fired.

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Sacked from the zoo.

On my first day as a human cannonball my boss said, "I'm going to have to let you go."
"You can't fire me," I replied.
"That's exactly why I'm letting you go," he said.

I see Warrington are kicking off "Jobs For Whites".
I don't really see it catching on in Bradford somehow.

Mini workers were laid off recently. It's ok,they'll always be welcome at the chocolate factory.

My mate told me he's doing security on the doors.
I said, "Why don't you just get a lock?".

I was told the lift at work was out of order.
I didn't think it was that bad, I only lifted her skirt for a quick look.

I've just spent over an hour queuing in the Job centre,
Apparently they're understaffed!

I'm always being asked "Do you work here?" in Homebase.
It's getting so annoying that I might just quit.

An annoying work colleague told me today she was "like a ray of sunshine."
So I asked her if that was why she caused redness, irritation and a feeling of premature ageing.

Handy tip:
Start funny office rumours and increase your promotion chances, by constantly sneaking into the womens toilets after your female boss has been in, and putting the toilet seats up!

I cancelled my job interview with first great western without telling them...
They were so impressed they hired me straight away!

I work for a company that makes "Back in 10 minutes" signs. We don't get many visitors.

Unemployed People.
A blank post-it note stuck on the fridge door will be a useful reminder that you have nothing to do today.