Tip for the day;
When your boss says, "I'm not paying you to sit around posting jokes on the Internet all day!", the correct response is not, "From the looks of it, yes you are."
After being employed by the education board to help reduce the number of under age pregnancies, I have just been fired.
Apparently advising the kids at the primary school that the best way is to "get there before the hair" is inappropriate!
I just got sent home from work. Apparently "Non uniform Friday" isn't the same as "Naked Friday".
I was given the wrong type of ladder to use at work. I fell and broke both my hands and feet.
I was awarded useless clown of the year award by the lads at work.
I asked the barber if he could do my hair in 2 minutes.
He said "Of course! I know a short cut"
You know you're on shaky ground when your new Employee ID badge is a Post-It note.
I applied for a job at hooters the other day, I asked for an application form and they gave me a bra, the bloke then said ''fill that out love''.
I told my Son that I thought he should be a binman.....
If doing what you would normally do at work when you're off is called a "busman's holiday", then surely doing what you would normally do on a day off when you're supposed to be working should be called a "postman's holiday".
This afternoon, my boss said, "As soon as you have finished doing what you are doing, you can go home."
If only he told me that this morning, I would have been home by half 9.
I had to sack one of my employees today when he phoned to say he couldn't come in.
I would've understood if he'd said it was due to the weather.
But no way am I buying this, "My wife died last night." nonsense.
My mate just quit his job in a brake pad factory.
There was too much friction in the place.
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business.
"Suppose a woman comes in and orders 20 pounds worth of material. You wrap it up and you give it to her. She pays you with a 20 pound note, but as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two 20 pound notes. Now son, here's where the ethics come in: Should you or should you not tell your wife?"
I may have annoyed my boss today.
We were all in late anyway and looking to leave early and he told everybody to prepare not to come in tomorrow.
Somebody asked how you prepare for not coming in.
I suggested staying up late and drinking.
I had to shut down my brothel.
The customers just stopped coming.
I always get the silent treatment when I come in drunk.
Which helps make my day at work go so much faster.
It's time I turned flesym around...
How gutted are them Chillian miners going to feel when they realise they have to go back to work next week
I find it very easy to strike a perfect balance between my social life and my professional life.
I'm unemployed and I have no friends.
I was telling my fiance about the guys at work - how they're always putting me down saying timing just isn't my strong suit.
"If you could just recite your vows, please" interrupted the vicar.
I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
My wife loves to go on top.
However, in light of certain recent events, I've told her it's probably best to travel to work inside the train from now on.
I called in sick this morning:
"I'm really sorry, feel really unwell, bad cough, lots of phlegm, think the cold got to me last night. Man down, man down!! Sorry, yeah, couple of days at least. Cover me!"
I don't know why they were so suspicious.
I love working as a bouncer.
I'm quality control at the local bra factory.
Up until yesterday, I worked as part of a firework display team and accidently set some off in the wrong sequence.
They sacked me on the spot and I just think it's bang out of order.