I can't wait to go back to work:
my female boss said she hopes to see a nude erection from me next year!

I wonder what the Northern Irish will be talking about around the water cooler tomorow morning.

Bob`s father bought him a cowboy outfit for his birthday..
That`s when he became a builder..

My boss: "How are you today?"
Me: "Fine thanks, how are you?"
My boss: "You know it's so lovely to be asked how I'm doing, everyone just seems to be getting on with their own thing without really paying much attention to anyone else. I have no idea why I get asked so infrequently"
Me: "Maybe it's because your answers aren't concise enough"
My boss: "Oh"

I got fired from my gardening job today for killing unwanted vegetation
didn't help that I was inside a nursing home at the time.

My last job was in a potato merchants...... They gave me the sack.

BBC NEWS - UK unemployment total on the rise.
That now means all the people on the dole can have the jobs that the newly unemployed are leaving. Problem solved!

BBC News "Highland Toffee firm goes under"
That's hard to swallow

This morning some salesman saw me lying on the bed and went"Sir that one looks really comfortable but have you tried the new Seally Posturepedic Super comfort matress yet?"
I went,"I can tell you sales people are very desperate in these hard times."
He went,"Why,is it because of my sales pitch?"
I went,"No mate,it's because you're in my house."

I let nerves get the better of me before a big job interview yesterday.
At least I think it was nerves. It was either that or my M.S.

I work in recruitment and I'm always amazed at how many people list "Reading" as one of their hobbies on their CV.
I've been there a couple of times and it's a dump.

I have started to walk around the city centre in a suit, so people think I actually have a job

'Djeez, what a small office you have, dad', my son said when he visited me at work.
'Shut up, fool', I said, 'I'm taking a dump'

It's our 'health a safety officers' night out tonight.
We're going to paint the town in a hypoallergenic red paint, but only to a height of 2 metres, therefore eliminating the need for anyone to climb unsafely or overstretch themselves.

My grandad's been a barber for fifty years.
You gotta take your hat off to him.

After getting a job at the clock factory, I asked my new boss:
"What hours will I do?"
He said, "Are you stupid? All 12 of them."

I just sat and relaxed by the fire today instead of working.
Although my fire station colleagues would have appreciated some help with the putting it out.

I got sacked from the Performing Arts School where I worked.
Turns out they weren't fans of A Fiddler on the Roof.

I've just started work as an estate agent. It's not a job. It's a vocation.
Vocation.
Vocation.

I went for a job interview earlier today, and the interviewer asked me to name 5 weaknesses. I told him:
I find it difficult to lead a large team.
Hard to work under pressure.
I rush to finish my work, which affects the quality.
And finally, I often forget what instructions people may give me.

I work in a pub, some guy asked "Whats cheap?" I simply replied...... "You"

Our boss wanted ideas on what we could do to make our business more effective.
I suggested adding an additional floor, my boss told me I was 'thinking on a different level to the other employees'.

I applied for a job at a building society today. I carefully filled in the application form and gave it to the Manager, who read through it. When he had finished reading it, he said:
"With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you"
"Great" I replied.
"It's called the door" he said sternly "Now get out".

Whenever someone dies at work, they always die "doing the job they loved."
Thanks god I hate my job!

I've just been sacked from my job for falling asleep.
I protested that a lot of people fall asleep on the job and it's no big deal.
They said if I worked in an office it wouldn't be an issue but when I'm driving a train it's pretty serious.