Im a professional bee keeper....
I do it for the Buzz.

"Hi love, sorry i'm late home. I ended up playing around with someone from work".
"You.........you played golf." She asked as she laughed.
"Don't be childish, we were playing soldiers in the car park and lost track of time."

I have worked at the same place for the last ten years and they're paying me off.
My boss called me in to explain that they had to do it because I lack the drive and ambition the company needs.
I was furious.
Is this any way to treat a three-times Employee Of The Day?

I've written a feature-length screenplay about a group of black men who make dynamite for a living.
It's called "Nig Nog's and Boomsticks".

There's no "I" in volunteer, but there is "U", so go ahead.

How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
45. One to change the bulb and 44 to do the paperwork.

I've just received my first salary payment from my new job at the toilet cistern manufacturer.
I'm feeling rather flush at the moment.

"I sometimes hold back a fart incase it's actually a poo." I said to the man talking to me.
"Sorry, Jon" said the interviewer, "I'm afraid you don't qualify for danger pay."

We had a meeting at work to come up with money saving ideas, I said "What about cutting out the packaging?"
The boss said I was thinking outside the box

Got fired from my job today for being on the phone too much.
Ironic, considering i'm a receptionist.

I got sacked from my janitor job at the zoo for intimating the guests.
Apparently throwing your own faeces back at the monkeys is unacceptable.

I arrived on the scene of a crash earlier and didn't want to get involved, you know, just stood back and tried not to get in the way. For no reason, people started shouting and screaming at me! I thought "Screw this for a barrel of monkeys," got back in the ambulance and found my way back home.

My boss called me in today and asked if I'd agree to work shorter hours in the current economic climate.
"Thanks very much" I replied, "How about 40 minutes instead of 60?"

I've got a job as a cleaner in a clock shop. I have to keep the toilets clean, the kitchen clean, and change the sandpaper in the cuckoo clocks every day.

My mate wasn't paying attention at work and ended up getting himself fired
I guess that's a risk you take working in a ceramics factory.

Africa & Asia will be adopting a new truancy programme later this year - They are expected to employ over 3000 trained truancy officers across the 2 continents to help maintain children's attendance at work.

I laid such a large log this morning. My wife was impressed by its girth and smoothness. I went through so much pain and effort though.
It's tough work being a lumberjack

The girl who works down my local abattoir is stunning!

I'm out driving my Limousine tonight, and I have no idea what time I'll be finished.
My clients tonight are a rowdy, drunken hen party.
Looks like I'm out until the cows come home.

I got really absorbed in my work the other day. Too bad I'm studying the flesh eating virus.

Our book-keeper comes to work dressed in a stripy suit with a check shirt and spotty tie. None of the colours complement each other.
I guess there's no accounting for taste.

phoned my boss to tell him i would not be working today as i have a problem with my my eyes.
"conjunctivitis?" my boss asked me
"no" i replied "I just can't see my self working"

I made the mistake of sending the solicitor handling my divorce a Christmas Card
Got a billing for 15.75 back in respect of time spent opening it and handling the paperwork.

Since I told my employees that they'd all be getting something extra in their pay packets next month, staff morale has been at an all time high and productivity has gone through the roof.
They're going to be gutted when they realise that it's their P45s.

I don't understand why Asda fired me from the alcohol section of the store.