My mate said he had a new job at a Bowling Alley.
I said, "Ten Pin?"
He replied, "No - it's permanent."
I've just turned 17, and I'm already working for a multi-billion dollar company!
I'm lovin' it...
Three kids in a playground talking about their dads and how great they are.
The first one says, "My dad is the fastest man in the world, he can outrun a tiger."
The second says, "Mine can outrun a cheetah, he's so quick."
The third is unimpressed and laughs, "Mine works for the council, so he's the fastest."
"How?" the others ask.
"He finishes work at 5.30 but he's home by 2.
My boss has just gone on holiday AGAIN.
He's had more time off than the twin towers window cleaner.
What job did they give to the Thalidomide girl?
What do you call a black man who works in an office?
No, seriously, we need a nickname for the new guy at work, and "The chocolate man" is a bit racist.
I have the most depressing job in the world.
Writing the horoscopes in the Big Issue
As a surprise, a chief executive's wife decides to pop by his office.
She finds her husband in an unorthodox position, with his attractive secretary sitting in his lap.
He immediately spots her and, without hesitation, starts dictating: "And in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
Yesterday was my first day working on a construction site, and being the new guy I felt pretty sure that as a prank, someone would send me to fetch something that didn't actually exist, you know, like 'striped paint' or something like that.
Sure enough, someone ran up to me telling me to get an 'Air Ambulance'.
I thought "Yeah right! Like I'm falling for that one!"
I'm now unemployed again and due in court next week.
I can't wait for tomorrow.
It's come to work in a bra and knickers day.
Well, that's what we've told the apprentice.
I told my boss I couldn't make it to work because of the weather today.
"But it's sunny outside," he said.
"Exactly," I replied, cracking open a beer.
My first night working as a bouncer didn't last long...
As soon as I got there they showed me the door.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
My boss said, "Apparently, if you add a bit of humour to the work place, it brightens up people's moods."
I said, "Really?"
He replied, "Yeah.. Knock knock."
I said, "Who's there?"
He replied, "Not you tomorrow, you're fired."
I handed in a resignation letter at work today.
I can't wait to see my mate Dave's face when he finds out he's resigned!
When I was little, I thought that being a vet would be the greatest job in the world.
But then I got older and found out that it's actually a lot more work than just putting down cats all day.
Job vacancy: Mind-reader.
The correct applicant will know what we're looking for.
I went on a staff training course last week.
Mine failed so he's still only a stick.
"Smith! You should have been in work at half past 8!"
"Why? What happened?".
The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows.
It seemed like a reasonable question considering we work as wine tasters.
I got fired today for congratulating my boss for 'backing the beard' for England.
She didn't find it as funny as I did.
I'm ready for work at five every morning.
All I need now is a job.
I got asked today, "How long have you actually worked here?"
I replied, "Since they threatened to sack me."
Office Managers, need to reduce staffing levels but can't decide who to lay off?
Have a game of musical chairs. The loser is made redundant and has already had their leaving party.
My boss went balilstic yesterday because i popped out to buy some cigaretes from the nearest high street.
Mind you, he does have a point.
I work on an oil rig.