My orphan friend came round for dinner today.
He said, "Mmm, these sausages are great."
I said, "Yes, that's why mums go to Iceland, accept yours of course, she just didn't want you."

I'm opening a coffee shop that sells the ideal coffee to damage your lungs.
It's made from the finest coughy beans.

Just found a chocolate bar on the side of the road.
It was a Drifter.

What's the difference between brussel sprouts and snot?
You'll never surprise your kids eating their brussel sprouts.

I have worked hard through tough times at a vegetable company, so my boss gave me a celery increase.

I had a doubles contest at the tennis club last night.
I won. My opponent quit after the 'whiskey round'.

All those phone calls from inside the towers that day and none of them being to 911 - that I can actually believe, despite the obvious connection between the date and the phone number.
What I can't credit, however, is the notion that none of them were ordering pizza.

I'v recently gone on a diet to help me lose the extra pounds, so to help me along, the wife bought me these new pies that have only 20% of the fat levels that normal pies have.
these are absolutely brilliant, because now I can have 5 times as many.

I am so glad Mc Donalds doesn't sell Hot Dogs.
I just don't think I could order a "Mc Weiner" and then ask them to Super size it.

I'm experiencing that 'lovely warm feeling inside' you get when you've done a selfless good deed for someone.
I gave up a whole day to help my mate drink his litre bottle of Brandy.

I couldn't really tell if Walkers new crisps were extra crunchy or not... judging by the single crisp in the packet.

Italian scientists are becoming increasingly worried about people's pasta consumption.
Statistics have been released for a safe Carbonara Footprint.

Eating fruit and vegetables is good for you
Apart from the ones that kill you

I've heard that drinking 7 cups of coffee can make u hallucinate but we've had 9 and me and tweety pie are doing just fine

"Your cooking is truly dreadful. That was the worst meal I've ever eaten in my life."
"HOW DARE YOU!!? What gives you the right to speak to me like that!?"
"Well, for a start, you've just managed to kill my tapeworm."

Went to go and see that new film about an adventurous biscuit.
The Bourbon Supremacy.

I've just eaten my lunch after I'd managed to drop it all over the pavement.
Admittedly, it was there slightly longer than 3 seconds, but what do you expect when it's soup.

I went in a butchers today and said " pound of bacon please" the butcher said " lean back?" so I said " why, have i got dog breath or something?"

I admitted to the wife that I often buy cheap lager and drink drive home from work.
"have you no respect, what if you got caught?" she shouted.
I spose she has a point, from Monday I'm gonna buy the expensive stuff.

My girlfriend is always banging on about how fabulous bottled water is.
So today I put it to the test. I give her a drink of tap water and a drink of her spring water.
I was amazed that she got right, so I asked her how she knew.
"The spring water was in the bottle, not the cup".

I was chatting to this bird last night and she asked where I worked, wanting to sound like a bit of a stud I said: "Oh I've got fingers in loads of different pies..."
I work at Greggs.

i always tell my friends i like my woman like i like my cheese...
they say "what, mature and strong"
they dont know i like babybels

I'm really sorry Donna for leaving you in bed and just going to work like that, and apologise for the comment, "You're a lot bigger than I thought". I will be home soon to finish what I started, but to be honest I don't even remember coming home with you. Any way, out of the kebabs you're my fave. Back soon x

after the success of Lloyd Grossman sauces and Paul Newman salad dressings, just seen the newspaper headline"Michael Douglas cancer spreads"
doesn't sound very appetising if you ask me

Is it just me or is it a little bit ironic that most vegetarian food is made to taste, look and feel like meat?