BBC News: "A Polish man living in Germany spent five years with a bullet in the back of his head having forgotten he was shot because he was drunk when it happened."
Now I've had some forgetful nights... but being shot in the head! I don't care what you say about those Poles, they sure know how to drink!
Lenny Henry's ex wife has admitted to "a couple of nibbles" on the dating scene.
I very much doubt Dawn French ever has only " a couple of nibbles" of anything...
I just bought a dark chocolate Mars bar,
It helps you rest and play.
When it comes to buffets, I seriously can't help myself.
Which is one downfall of having no hands.
I uncovered a brilliant scheme that tricks people into drinking watery urine.
Rice is perfect if you're hungry and you want to eat a thousand of something
Did you know there are more nutrients in the cardboard packaging for Cornflakes than in the Cornflakes themselves?
In the case of Somerfield Basic Cornflakes, the packaging also wins in the taste test.
I saw the new cans of Tango today and I was extremely insulted by the message on the side of the can
Who can spot the Hidden Message?
An army sergeant went to sit down and eat with his men and saw one of his men wasn't eating his soup, he asked if he could have it.
The soldier replied "Of course sir"
After the sergeant had nearly finished his soup, he saw a dead rat at the bottom and vomited all the soup back into the bowl, he turned to the solder and the solider said "Thats about as far as i got"
Being an extremely strict vegetarian limits my choice when it comes to eating sausages.
Quorn, Soya, or Asda
I was shocked to see Stephen Hawking placing an order in McDonalds earlier.
I thought "that must be the first time they've served a vegetable here"
My son said he wanted some drum sticks for Christmas.
Fair enough, KFC's quite cheap.
I brought my grandmother out for a chicken dinner last night, but she fell asleep.
It was a Nandos.
Whenever my wife is baking, myself and the kids race to lick the bowl.
It's the only way you can get the taste out of your mouth.
My Friend told me that caustic soda was a drink.
Just found out it was a lye.
Why do cafes have teapots that are made out of super-conductive metal that you can't actually pick up until the tea has gone cold?
I just read the story about the Chinese executing an indian man by lethal injection. It got me thinking.....
I really fancy a takeaway tonight.
My Nan was evacuated during the war.
That'll teach her to eat a tin of prunes to herself.
I was in KFC today and ordered a five piece chicken box.
"Any sides?" asked the server.
I said "Yeah, four would be good."
Driving past a McDonald's in Scotland, there was a sign in the window saying "free big mac" my wife turned to me and said "why what did he do?".
"Only 2 people in the world know the original Coca Cola recipe"
I'm guessing one of those people works for Pepsi?
What is black, hungry and has eight legs?
Southampton FC players at Pizza Hut.
I used to have a vintage copy of UB40's "Red Red Wine", on Vinyl.
But then I spilt white wine on it and it disappeared
These Jacob's Crackers are rubbish, no bang, no jokes and where's the party hat?
My new job would be going well if not for the friction developing between me and and my co-workers, due to the fact of me refusing to costantly make the coffee.
Still, I'd quite like to keep the job at Starbucks as it pay's pretty good.