I was really hungry earlier, I looked up and down the house for something to eat. I eventually found a chocolate teapot.
That was useful.
My wife just told me we're having burgers for tea tomorrow. I'm relishing it.
Does anyone else ever write the word 'Banana' and forget where to stop typing 'na'.
Was chillin with some buds earlier.
"Oy you, out the beer cooler." shouted the shop owner.
I changed my name to "the road". Now everyone buys me a drink as they leave the bar.
As I was coming home from the fish n chip shop, I opened the bag to discover my cod was coated in bread crumbs.
I can't believe it's not batter.
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So why sell them in packs of 6?
Daily Mail: "Mr Average spends 10,585 hours of his life in the pub"
Mrs Average has left a note telling him his dinner is in the dog
I had a "Taste of England" meal today.
A curry for two from Asda.
I keep all my puff pastry recipes in alphabetical order in my Filofax.
My Mexican lorry driver friend has got to watch what he eats.
He records it on a tacograph.
Since splitting up with my wife I'm living a bachelor life!
Tomato soup on Monday,
Mushroom on Tuesday,
Cream of chicken Wednesday,
I walked past a specialist African Food Store the other day...
It was empty.
What came first?
Egg fried rice or Chicken fried rice?
It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's throwing up
This last month I have ordered 4 Chinese meals from 4 different Chinese takeaways.
Every time they had the same delivery driver.
Went back to this chick's place last night, soon after I was slinging the sausage down the corridor.
In retrospect, initiating a food fight wasn't the best idea.
I'd just finished eating a meal at a very cold and grotty pub when the waitress came over and said "How was the steak sir?" , "Very well done" , i replied , "Thanks" she said "We've never had a compliment before"
Treated the wife to a slap up meal at our local paki restaurant last night.
She had a Big Mac and I had a Quarter Pounder.
Just seen that new breakfast cereal for people with speech impediments. I think Rice Lispies are going to be big.
One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.
The unhurt carrot called an ambulance and helped his friend as best he could. He was taken to emergecy at the hospital, and rushed away.
After many hours of agonized waiting, the doctor came out. He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."
"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
The wife and I are managing to eat well through the credit crunch, with a little known recipe for 'Nigerian coq au vin' ...
First .. steal a chicken.
I met this bird from New York in the pub this week and I took her out for dinner last night.
I told her I knew this fantastic place that does really authentic native American food.
She wasn't too impressed though.
Apparently they have MacDonalds in the US as well.
Chinese restaurants: Try and cheer your customers up by putting the bill for their meal inside a fortune cookie.
Learning about food poisoning in France.